Help - I need a new perspective and attitude. LOOONG!!!

[MelissaRB]

Well let me start by first announcing that I am expecting #2 in May. We find out after Christmas if it's a boy or girl. I know the next thing I should say is something like "yea!" or "we are so excited!" or something like that. But I'm struggling with that part and there are several reasons why. (Hence my need for help.)

Here's the deal.....

DS will be 14 months old when this one is born. We wanted 2, but honestly, adjusting to motherhood has been such a challenge that for the first few months I thought I could live the rest of my life with only 1 child. And still be perfectly happy AND sane!

Being a first time mom is so overwhelming for me - every month is something new and different that I don't always adapt to very easily. That by itself is exhausting. Adding pregnancy to the mix makes me even more tired, and less able to be flexible and adapt easily.

Oh, and I went back to work 3 days a week - a major adjustment from being full time SAHM. And another reason I'm wiped out.

Add Christmas to the mix and a DH whose job requires him to work 12 hrs a day as well as all day Christmas Eve and the day after and the whole family coming to my house Christmas Day (including 4 people who were not invited but who are the SO's and children of the SO's of some of the people who were invited to my house. Grr - so rude, but I can't tell them they can't come.) I'm exhausted and stressed out.

So when I think about adding a newborn to the mix, I don't feel all lovey and warm inside. And when I think about next December - oh let's just not go there or I'll really go over the edge!

You may be asking yourself, Did they plan this pregnancy? Well, yes and no. In a moment of, I don't know what, DH convinced me that having a second would be good and we should plan it for a delivery in 2010. We are afterall, getting older and both of us are concerned about being over 40 and still starting our family. (I know some of you are over 40 and having kids, and that's great. It's just not the right thing for us.) Actually, what we are most concerned about is being in our 60's and still having kids in high school and/or college; which causes us to back up our time line. You know?

Anyway, so DH and I thought an 18 month split would be nice. And since it took 6 months to get pregnant with DS, we added that to our time line. Thinking it would take more than once to be successful this time, I stopped the pill in August. Then one Sat morning we had a great morning. I didn't think much of it because I hadn't had any signs of ovulation and it had only been about a week without the pill.

Um, yeah, guess what? When Sep 7 rolled around and nothing happened and I had the same feeling I did when I was newly pregnant with DS, I KNEW without taking a test that I was pregnant. I was so pregnant, in fact, that the stick said "pregnant" after only 30 seconds!!!!

So anyway, ever since then, I've been overwhelmed and stressed out about it and day to day life just isn't making it any easier.

When I have a good day, or moment, with DS - like when we play and he smiles at me or laughs or does something new or cute or lets me cuddle him or we have a sweet, precious mother/son moment - I find myself thinking that I don't want to miss out on any of those little things with either child. How on earth can I split my attention between 2 very small very needy kids? How can I be a good mom to both of them? I know I can be a great mom to one kid, but can I do it with 2 who are only 14 months apart?

When I have a bad day/moment with DS - I think how the heck am I going to handle this with another kid to worry about? I can't do it. I'll go crazy. I'm already so sleep deprived, it's only going to get worse and I don't see it getting any easier until they both start school. That's a long time to wait for a nap and full night's sleep.

And then I start thinking about the cost of 2 babies in childcare and I only work part time and how are we going to afford this (I'm not worried about the medical bills, I'm worried about everyday life.) I can't up my hours at work because our office isn't that busy so there aren't enough patients for me to see. I could look for another job, but that opens up a whole new level of stress for me that I won't get into here. Our plan was to use DS's crib and stuff with #2, but DS will still be using the crib, and now we need a double stroller instead of just using the single stroller we have......... And formula is expensive and unfortunatly I have to formula feed because my body doesn't allow me to breastfeed successfully (DS almost starved because of me, not something I want to repeat.)

I know I should be excited about another kid, another blessing, another miracle, yadda, yadda, yadda..... But I just can't seem to reach deep enough inside to find that within me. I thought that maybe I'd find it when I had my first sonogram. Nope, not there. Had a second sono. Still couldn't find it. Also thought I'd find it when I can feel the baby move. Still waiting to feel movement. Have a third sono and find out the sex on Dec. 30. Maybe that will be the day?

But that actually brings me to something else that I have concerns over. I really want 2 boys, no girls. (Moms of girls, no offense.) I'm just not the kind of person who does well with little girls, or pre-teen girls, or teenage girls. I am not frilly, or fussy, I don't do pink, ruffles or lace. I don't do drama. (Although this post seems kind of dramatic. How ironic.) I have no idea how to play with dolls. When I was growing up I played with Legos, Matchbox cars, Lincoln Logs and Erector Sets. I read and did puzzles and played outside with the boys in the neighborhood and got dirty (much to my mother's dismay). What the heck would I do with girl?

So after all that, if you are still with me...... Thanks! Any thoughts? Words of wisdom or encourament? I just really want to be excited about baby #2 and enjoy my pregnancy and enjoy both of my kids. I don't want to regret anything or harbor bad feelings (concious or not) about #2. You know? I need help.

[delilahdr]

I think it's very understandable to feel overwhelmed and a bit anxious/stressed more than excited when you consider your situation. I do want to encourage you that this is temporary... ALL stages of life are temporary... and I believe that you will find joy in your new one, at some point. Maybe after the sonogram, maybe after you feel movement, maybe not until you meet the baby, I don't know what the timeline is or exactly when the "sweet spot" will hit for you. But 20 years from now, you won't have 2 babies under 2... you'll have an empty nest and two fine young people and you and your DH will be so proud of them and I bet it will have been worth the sacrifice. This IS a sacrifice right now, and exhausting. You are normal to feel worn out! Hang in there, mama.

[Jackie]

First off, give yourself some time. It takes some people a while to warm up to having another kid. Especially when it happens unexpectedly.

If you are looking to save money, have you thought about cloth diapering? It would atleast save you money "day to day"... as would breastfeeding if you are able to work with an LC And work through whatever problems you had with DS.

Having 2 kids REALLY isn't any harder than having 1, imo. It's just one more mouth to feed, one more butt to change. Other than that, it's easy. Especially when the baby gets old enough to play with your DS. They will be best friends

Regarding how you can love 2 kids enough, I don't know how to explain it but you just do. When they are born, you just dig deep and you find enough love for both. It'll be your maternal instinct kicking in.

I understand wanting 2 boys. I WANTED Lily to be a girl, but when I found out she was a girl, i panicked. What do I do with a girl? I know how to be a boy mom... will i know how to be a girl mom? And I did. You figure i out. Plus, it's not like you are handed a teenager right off the bat with likes and dislikes. They grow into all of those things WITH You and you appreciate them because you say them form. Rest assured not all girls are "fussy" and "drama". Many are even into matchbox cars and lincoln logs But no matter what she's into, you'll appreciate it because she's yours.

[Amy02]

I can completely relate to the good days & the bad days. I think most mom's feel the same way. On good days I think about how easy it would be to have lots of kids. But on those bad days it is hard to imagine having more. I worried a lot about balancing 2 when I was pregnant with William. But I remember telling DH when he was 2 weeks old that I couldn't imagine life without him.

Jackie hit the nail on the head when she talked about them being best friends. I think that is what is really neat about siblings being close in age. I also agree if it is a girl it doesn't mean she won't be like you were.

It is amazing how things just work out. I am not saying that there won't be rough times because I'm sure there will be, but the good times will get you through. I am thinking about you! Congrats!

[nicholle&w&p]

hugs! Life can be hard at times...but we always manage to get through it!

[rascooby]

It took me a really long time to adjust to the idea of our 3rd baby. I felt completely overwhelmed. Our 2nd baby was 10 months old when I found out I was pregnant. Pregnancy is really hard for me and I had morning sickness pretty much the whole pregnancy for all 3. I was completely overwhelmed. Looking back, I was definitely depressed and probably should have been on something. I didn't realize that until several weeks after Audra was born and my DH insisted I talk to my doctor.

Anyway, Audra turned a year old last month and things are really good. I can't imagine life without her. It was a hard transistion, but I think part of our problem is that we also have a 6 year old. She went to visit my parents in Chicago for a week and I realized how much smoother things went when I just had the 2 little ones to deal with. We were able to just focus on "baby stuff" instead of running my 6 year old all over the place and dragging them along. Of course we're crazy about all 3 of them, but things get tricky when you're juggling the older one with the little ones. So at least you'll be able to just do little kids stuff.

I ended up starting Zoloft for my anxiety. I was completely overwhelmed and it really helped. I also just had to focus on my family and take care of us first. For awhile I decided that I really didn't care what anyone thought, I wasn't taking on anything extra for anyone, I just had too much. If the phone was stressing me out, I turned it off, if my extended family was stressing me out, I told them I couldn't deal with them right now, etc. I just became very "selfish" and focused on just us so I could get through it. I also started just focusing on the necessities. I didn't worry so much about whether the house was clean, etc. It was more important that we were happy and well cared for.

You just have to take a deep breath and focus on things one at a time. Don't even think about next December, just get through this one. It was hard for me to admit that I was overwhelmed and needed help, but when I did, people stepped up and helped me. I'm usually the one who is fairly "together" so it was hard for me not to be on top of everything, but pretending things were fine just wasn't going to work.

Things will get better and they'll work out.

[laurachelle]

The excitement will come, and it may not even be until the day he/she is born, but it will come. Trust me.

I wrote my own, "totally freaking out, I don't want this," post when I found out I was pg with Abby. Her and my middle child are 18 months apart. It took awhile to find that excitement, but now I can't imagine things any other way. She's such an important part of this family, it would be so incomplete without her. Yours will be too.

I also wondered how I'd do having a girl. I'm sort of the same way. But, having a girl, really brought out the girl in me. She makes me appreciate those female characteristics on a whole new level, and I really look forward to that mother/daughter relationship continuing to grow as she gets older.

I promise, it will be ok.

[Crystal S]

First - congratulations!
Second -
to everyone. What you are saying is perfectly understandable - you're going through a big life change. But, it will be okay. You guys will find a way to work through each obstacle as you need to. Worrying about it is probably more stressful than living through it will be. Once your second little one is here, you'll adjust to being a mom of 2 pretty fast.

[meganb1980]

Our boys are 18 months apart. I found out I was 8 week pregnant on DS's first birthday. I know you are stressed to the max right now! You feel overwhelmed, exhausted, defeated. I also know looking back how mad I am at myself for not enjoying my pregnancy and my ds during the pregnancy. I was so angry that the boys would be so close together and that my pregnancy was such drama (bedrest 4 months, in and out of hospital) and that I wasnt able to do that things I wanted to with DS right then, that I missed out on so much around me. Like taking in every moment of what would be my last pregnancy or ds being cute as a button.

I wish I had someone who had told me...suck it up and enjoy every moment of it! Cause no matter what.... this baby is coming and they will be close together. It will be hard for awhile but then it will be great! You will have days that suck big butt and days that make you the happiest girl in the world!

As shocking as it was and as hard as the past 2 years have been (mainly cause ds2 is pure drama and VERY high maintenance) the past few months have become VERY fun. The boys look and act like twins, they play together and love on each other. When diapers are done diapers are done! There is always a buddy to have around! It is super fun now!

I have to disagree with some other posts though.....having two kids who are close together is harder than having one.

[bebounce]

Originally Posted by meganb1980

The boys look and act like twins, they play together and love on each other. When diapers are done diapers are done! There is always a buddy to have around! It is super fun now!

I have to disagree with some other posts though.....having two kids who are close together is harder than having one.

I agree with those good points she brought up. I also agree that it sounds perfectly normal to feel the way you do right now. Mine will be almost exactly two years apart-way further than yours- and I still felt apprehension when I found out I was pregnant. Especially about DS getting enough of my attention; I kept thinking "I can't imagine having to little ones crying and having to choose one!" It passed though and I accepted that there will be two close together little ones. I don't claim to know how it feels with a 14 month difference though, I will pray for you on that one. I really think that once they start keeping one another busy and things like diapers are done for good and they are both out of the house for elementary school close together you will appreciate it. And maybe you'll even be able to buy lots of clothing that they can both use together for a while! (if the new baby is a boy too, of course)

[sixpackmama]

My very best friend is expecting a baby who is going to be 14 months younger than her youngest son. I'm going to say the same thing to you I told her:

You can do this. It's not always going to be easy but you CAN do it. What I try to do is find joy in the small moments and I strive to not let myself get completely overwhelmed. When I start feeling that way I just sit on the couch and tickle one of the twins. Their smiles and giggles are like salve to my very tired soul.

When my twins were born, my youngest was 17 months old. It was absolute insanity. I didn't really share that much on the Internet because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. But the few who were around at that time can attest that I broke down more than once. I can remember one really horrible day when Izzy had pooped on the floor (again) and both twins were screaming and wouldn't settle and Gabe was in a bad mood and dinner wasn't even started but people were getting hungry and I just sat down in the middle of the floor and sobbed. And then I got up and made dinner and shushed babies and took care of it because, well, I didn't have any other option.

I don't say all that to scare you but to encourage you. The twins are now 19 months old and Izzy just turned 3 and life is getting SO much easier. I'm able to work part time and I have a small social life and I don't sit on the floor and cry much anymore. Delilah is right, this WILL pass. And you might NOT feel real excited even when the baby comes and that's OK. You'll still love him or her and you will be able to find small moments in your day when you know that you are blessed beyond all measure. Because really, our problems are so small compared with those that cannot feed or shelter their babies, you know?

[Julia]

When you have kids, you learn to take life ONE.DAY.AT.A.TIME
Don't think about tomorrow. Don't think about that to do list. DO what you can today from one minute to the next.

You don't have to feel excited about this baby today. That is far into your future if you count by days. Maybe as you get closer you will start to feel the excitement.

Right now you are in the trenches with your current child and the holidays and not every day is going to be FULL of joy. But if you have time at the end of your day - just two minutes is all it takes. Make a note of the joyful moments no matter how big or small. Because there were a few. And go to bed reflecting on THAT, not your to do list for tomorrow.

When you have kids you have to learn to live in the moment, and for that day.

Just takes time to transition. And please let go of any guilt that it's not "easy" for you. Has nothing to do with how much you love your children.

Hang in there. There are some tough years ahead of you, but easier if you go one day at a time.

AND there are some really awesome and fun years with the kids TOO. You will get there just don't miss the journey by worrying yourself into a funk. Find the joy no matter how small. Don't overanalyze it (and that IS easy for me to say, not easy for me to do either LOL).

Oh and I wanted to give you a positive look at BFF's. My son and Daughter are 2.5 yrs apart and are best of friends. My niece and nephew are only 14 months apart and are also best of friends. AND the cousins are ALL best of friends together too. It all turned out okay Marcos is nearly 11, Norma is 12, Lauren is 10 and Ian is going to be 8 soon.

Also, we have zero control over who our children are. You learn that too. They are who they are whether it be sporty, dramatic, fussy or analytical. You learn to just love them for what they bring to the table. About age 3 they will start to figure out who they are and begin to show you. Just love them one day at a time

[meganb1980]

Originally Posted by Julia

Also, we have zero control over who our children are. You learn that too. They are who they are whether it be sporty, dramatic, fussy or analytical. You learn to just love them for what they bring to the table. About age 3 they will start to figure out who they are and begin to show you. Just love them one day at a time

This wasnt meant for me BUT.......I SOOOOOOO needed to read this!

[MelissaRB]

I love y'all!! Thanks so much for the encouragment and helping me see my world from a different view point. I so needed this today!

Merry Christmas y'all!

[Mommy2two]

Just so you know, I was in the same shoes as you! My son was 4 months old when I got pregnant with my daughter. And has it been hard? Yes. Have I been tired? Yes. But did I make it through? Yep. And you know what, when there were those days where I wondered if there was light at the end of the tunnel, I am here to tell you there is. I have finally reached that end where they are both potty trained, both sleep (most) of the night, playing with each other all day long, only fighting a little.

There are so many things I have learned over the past few years.

One tip I could suggest, that may or may not work for you. I moved my 13 month old to a "big" bed before my daughter was born and let her have the crib. When I say big bed, I mean full size bed. He did fine. Yeah he got out of bed alot for a few weeks in the beginning. But he got use to it. And evenutally he learned to stay in bed. It saved a ton of money verses buying another crib, and personally I think he loved his new big bed!

If you ever need to vent, or need advice or just a feel free to pm me!