Did you KNOW you were done...and then have 2nd thoughts?

Hi ladies - I'd love to get some of your thoughts and experiences. This all starts from the fact that both DH and I thought we were done having children (we have two boys, 4 1/2 and 17 months), but for about the last 8 -9 months I have really been thinking about having another.

There's some complicating factors:

* I'm 40 (ya, I can't believe I just admitted that!)
* I have difficulty with pregnancies (two m/c between our boys) and have to take Lovenox shots while pregnant
* I'm a pretty grumpy pregnant lady
* DH will take a LOT of convincing

I have tried hard to figure out my feelings, but I'm not sure whether I truly want another child, or whether I am missing having a little girl, or whether I just don't want to have the option of having children out of my life (because of my age). TO BE CLEAR: I know that I have to be fully prepared to have a boy should we be so lucky to have another -- I do not want to go into this in order to "try for a girl." And, should I be secretly hoping for a girl, I would love a 3rd boy with all my heart just as I adore my two boys (three, including DH).

Another factor: we just moved here to Dallas about a year ago, away from ALL my family and friends. I've always lived within about 10 minutes of my family so this has been a huge adjustment for me. So we don't have any family support. But perhaps I'm missing all my family and want to "fill-in" some?

I never, ever thought I'd even have one child. I had a busy life as an attorney and didn't think children would be part of it. I did not have the maternal instincts and draws to have children. After the first, I was very unsure about having a second. But now, after the second, I am having all those feelings - pangs when I see pictures of a newborn, etc.

I just don't know how to go about making the decision. A friend of mine, who has 4 children recently told me that if I'm having any second thoughts, then I'm not completely done. My question to you is: if you thought you were done and then had second thoughts, how did you resolve it?

Thanks so much! Kerin

After my twins, I swore I was done. A random longing here and there would pop up, but it didn't take long to come to my senses that I was missing the best aspects of newborns, not the long sleepless nights, and 24/7 stress & care.
Then, when they were 4, life was getting pretty easy, and dh & I were BOTH toying with the idea, but scared to commit. We ended up going with the old standby, let nature take its course. A few months later I found out I was pregnant.
I suppose the best way to sum up how we resolved it was, when it was just me having a random longing, it wasn't the right thing for us as a family. When the time was right, we both were thinking the same thing. Make sense?
Good luck!

oopsie - posted twice.

I get a tug once in awhile that I would like to have another. However so many things hold me back AND that I don't want my kids to have to sacrifice for a baby (they are 6 and 8) and they are developing their own lives / interests / social circles. I'm also 39 and have a traveling dh. It was hard raising my two on my own. Being Executive Broadcast producer is very time intensive.

But sounds like your dh is in a good place to be your support? One summer when I had a 4 yo and 18 mo, dh was gone 6 weeks in a row to Argentina and then Chile. :eek

What's your home situation like?

For me the logistics pointed to the fact that it would be unfair to add more stresses to any one of us in the family. I had what I could handle, dh had what he could handle and my kids had what they could handle (they want to do activities and such and that requires my commitment). KWIM?

If you practice law will your dh be able to pick up the ball when the kids are at the age where they want horseback riding lessons, piano, or various sports.

There is also a lot of socializing activities as they get older. Cub scouts, playdates, etc. etc.

I also imagine that with each child i do take on the risk of having a child with a greater commitment of special needs. I do not want to leave my children with the burden of raising a sibling.

My marriage is high on my priority list because it came before my kids and it will be there when my kids leave the nest. My parents didn't manage their commitment well -didn't nurture it. That takes valuable time that we don't have an abundance of due to dh's career / passion. (However I LOVE that dh is passionate and doing what he's wanted to since he was 11 yo. That's what makes him attractive to me and I would never ask that he give it up - ever - never crossed my mind.)

My husband has pushed for a third since our second was born. But I'm too logical to commit to more on my plate. I know myself enough to know that I'm a happy mom because I have ME time in there. I was unhappy when I didn't have that time for dates, trips, exercise, and nights out with friends. It boiled down to can I give another what they need and still get everyone else what they need? The answer in our family dynamic was no.

And I would resent doing it just for my husbands pleasure. It had to be something I was on board with since I would be providing 90 percent of the childs care.

For some it's totally a feeling / emotional decision. That's not wrong, just different. I've never functioned that way, I think because emotions were not a part of my childhood. My parents were too emotional and that was a scary place for me to be with no personal control. So I've chosen to take a different route - one of planning. I'm not one to just see if things happen kind of girl. I can go with the flow but long term commitments I don't take lightly at all.

That's how I resolved it. But emotionally I can relate to the ticking clock feeling. it does exist. :)

Just so much to consider and I wish you luck. Really the only once that can answer your burning question is YOU.

If you can manage a third in your life - it totally sounds like YOUR NOT done, from reading your post.

I knew that Ryleigh would be our last before she was born. I just really felt like two was all I could handle...financially, emotionally, physically. But, I know myself enough to know that I'd have short lived twinges of regret ,and I'd end up pregnant again. ;) So, I had my tubes tied to take that option away. I have had those twinges, but they were most definitely short lived. I'm really, really loving this new phase in our lives with "kids" and not babies/toddlers. :)

When I get a tiny bit sad that I'll never again experience having a baby, I just remind myself that I'd have to stop at some point. I might as well face that moment now. But, we really do feel like our family is complete. I don't feel like anyone is missing. It doesn't sound like you are really at that point. :hug

We KNEW we were done at first, but are now TTC #2! We just talked about it a lot...for months. And then one day we both felt sure. Since then we've had days where we doubt again and we talk about it and each time have decided again that we really do want another baby, we just have some fears, but we're not going to let those stand in our way. :hug

I had my tubes tired after Eden. Like Nicole I knew three was the limit for our family financially, mentally and emotionally. The first year I did serious mourning of my fertility.
I was sure I had made the wrong decision. I was even a little resentful toward my husband because he had put pressure on me to do the tubal to ensure no mind chages, no accidents etc.
Now that Eden is four, I dont often get newborn twinges anymore. I guess I have moved on.
In fact when I see a newborn now I get tired, lol.
Now that my children are getting older (my oldest is turning 11 in the fall) I can see babies for not just newborns but for the children and people they become and I know I have no regrets.

Thank you so much for sharing all your experiences. This is just what I was looking for - it will help me to know what else I should be considering. For example, I'd thought about the positive impact on the children, but not a lot about the negative. The whole thing is just so fundamentally shocking to me - that I have these thoughts and desires because for the first, oh, 35 years of my life, I did not!

To clarify a couple of things - my DH is not traveling tons these days but he does work a lot of hours (apx 8am - 7:30 pm), and then dinner meetings at least once a week. He does have business trips 1 - 2 times per month, which is no big deal compared to his last job which was in sales so it was on the road each week. However, I'm not working - I stay home with the kids so I'm the one who would be doing all the driving to lessons, school, haircuts, doctors, etc.

What is also so weird is that I do not want to be pregnant, it's just not a fun time for me. I'm just willing to go through the process to get the child in our lives. Ahhhhhh - this was easier when my DH was the one who was so sure he wanted one and then a second - all I had to do was decide whether I agreed or not. My DH, has not been great about trying to talk things through with me so I can even figure out my feelings so I really appreciate all of your input, thank you! Kerin

Kerin, it's so funny, I actually could have written your post, and pretty much did not too long ago. It's definitely not an easy decision and I'm still changing my mind from day to day. Here's (http://www.dfwareamoms.com/forums/showthread.php?t=87998&highlight=taking+plunge) the link to when I asked if you want a few more posts to read about it. :)

I went through that phase pretty heavily when Ian was 3-4 yo. i think it's normal to ponder when you get to our age and you have to make a decision - and then you consider spacing of the children etc..

Once Ian became 5 yo I pretty much decided, well, I guess that's it.

Then on his last day of Kindergarten - had I not been on birth control........I would have totally rolled the dice that day. :lol Then I snapped out of it.

I think it's normal.

You really don't sound done though. You know when that feeling is really strong - each day. :)

I would get pangs - still do. But they pass.

Kerin, it's so funny, I actually could have written your post, and pretty much did not too long ago. It's definitely not an easy decision and I'm still changing my mind from day to day. Here's (http://www.dfwareamoms.com/forums/showthread.php?t=87998&highlight=taking+plunge) the link to when I asked if you want a few more posts to read about it. :)

Hi - thanks for the link! Yes, wow, you and I are pretty much in the same spot right now. I appreciated your honesty about dreading pregnancy and birth - I tried to convey that in my "I'm grumpy" comment but wanted to be careful because I know how wonderful pregnancy is for a lot of woman and did not want to offend them. Also, everyone's answers on your thread were very helpful to me too! One of the responses brought tears to my eyes -- the one about missing someone at the dinner table and the total chaos being purely theirs.

I think if I could resolve in my mind whether I want another child or whether I'd like a girl, that would be most of it. When I was pregnant with my first son, I was so sure the baby was a girl because there was no way I could have a boy. Then when I became pregnant the last time I did hope just a little for a girl because I knew I'd like to have one of each and then we could just be done, after all we'd been through (two miscarriages and discovery of a clotting condition and having to give myself shots everyday of the pregnancy). It's hard to admit, but I really felt a sense of loss when I found out we were having another boy. TO BE CLEAR: I adore both my sons and I never, ever wish my younger son was a girl. He's the most wonderful thing and I couldn't love either of them any more. However, I did have to make an adjustment in my mind about not going shopping for prom dresses, helping plan a wedding, and all the special things girls do with their Moms.

If we were to have another child, I actually presume we'd have a boy. I've read all the studies and statistics and I know that scientifically we have the same odds of boy/girl on another pregnancy as on the first, but there just seems to be so many other experiences that once you have two of a gender, you are more likely to have that gender again. Anyway, I know in my head that we would plan for a boy and I'd have to go into this expecting a boy, BUT I still don't know whether the missing a girl is driving a lot of this or not.

About letting nature and G-d's will take it's course, I'm fine with that, yet at my age and with our risk factors I really feel like this one needs to be more deliberate, if possible.