When to pop the Santa bubble?

I never told my daughter there was a Santa but she picked up the idea from other places and I never told her otherwise. So, while I am trying to be frugal, she is building up her expectations that Santa is going to bring a bunch of great gifts. She is 6 y.o. now, would it be too harsh to explain to her that there is no Santa now. She is so into the Santa thing this year; she wants to go to the North Pole to visit Santa some day!

If your only reason for telling her is financial, I wouldn't tell her. I might just explain that Santa doesn't fulfill every wish and desire that she could possibly have and that he just brings one gift, so that her expectations aren't so high.

I know that some don't want to perpetuate the myth of Santa and feel like it's lying to their children, but I hope my girls believe for many, many years to come. :D It's a magical thing for not only them, but for me as well, and it's something that I have fond memories of and look forward to sharing that with my girls. But, I also respect others' view on Santa, and if you want to tell her, then I'd just sit down and explain things to her.

I want her to understand that Christmas isn't about just getting a bunch of gifts. I could easily buy her a ton of junk which will only end up making her want more and more to satisfy her material wants. She already has too many toys and plenty of other stuff.

I want her to understand that Christmas isn't about just getting a bunch of gifts. I could easily buy her a ton of junk which will only end up making her want more and more to satisfy her material wants. She already has too many toys and plenty of other stuff.
I agree, and we are careful not to overdo it at Christmas. I think it's possible to balance, though. I don't think you have to tell her there is no Santa in order to make her understand that Christmas is not just about gifts. But again, if you want to tell her, I don't see anything wrong with that.

Jenn,
I've been thinking a lot about this too. My oldest daughter turned 9yo in April. As far as I know, she still believes. Dh thinks it is lying. I had wonderful memories of believing in the magic of Christmas. But, as you ask, when is it time to burst the bubble? How do you explain to them? Will they feel lied to? I was very dissapointed when I found out (at a very early age!) that there was no Santa.

my 8yo son still believes. well and i keep telling about the majic of christmas. we do help one family every year just to show him that christmas is about giving and not recieving. you could do something to that effect so she knows. i do hope you find your way throught this "bubble". i am curious to know what you will do. (HUGS)

Being the youngest of 7, I never got to believe and always missed it. I love it. . .all of it.
I agree that lowering her expectations is a good idea. I have been talking about Santa in relation to Jesus. I have said that he gives gifts to celebrate the gift God gave when Jesus was born. I have told her she won't get everything she wants but that there will be some special things.
I have been feeling bad because I know that Carissa has gone above and beyond over the last few months, and there are kids out there who don't behave near as well who will receive a ton of stuff for Christmas. I have to remind myself that I don't want to teach her to behave well so she will get lots of gifts. The feeling of contributing to the family should be a reward in itself. I try (hard as it may be) to keep my eye on the "prize". . .what kind of teen/adult do I want her to become? These issues of materialism are important ones, to me....and this is a good chance to teach about them.
I will post the article from the Dallas morning news on this topic...if you are interested.
I think you can redirect Santa from the idea of gifts, gifts, gifts. I mean, heck he has to give toys to all the kids, why would she expect EVERYTHING she asked for....lol And, lets be honest, around that age, if she doesn't get a lot of stuff....whether it is you or Santa she is expecting it from, there is a chance of disappointment.

Hope this helps...

All I want: Everything!

Check overindulgence off your kids' wish lists this season
06:20 PM CST on Wednesday, December 1, 2004
By MARTHA SHERIDAN / The Dallas Morning News

Giving presents to children is a joy, but some adults give until it hurts.

Kids make it clear when they've had too much. On the first night of Hanukkah, a 4-year-old flings her book across the room and declares that books make bad gifts. On Christmas Day, a 3-year-old has a meltdown in the middle of opening presents.

Such behavior springs from being overwhelmed with too much stuff, says parenting educator Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D., of Minneapolis. "Children are responding with their whole beings that this is not as it should be, that this is too much."

Overindulgence is a form of neglect, she writes in How Much Is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children (Marlowe & Company, $14.95).

Setting limits on adults and children helps keep the joy in giving, she says. But some parents don't understand why they need to set limits. And powerful advertising forces conspire to turn children into ardent consumers.

In researching the book, Dr. Clarke met adults who were overindulged as kids. They said, "I don't know what enough is. I will never have enough." The complaint sounded sadly familiar, she says. "These are the same things you hear in cases of neglect."

Besides buying too much, overindulgence can take the form of over-nurturing, doing things for children that they should learn to do for themselves, and failing to hold children accountable to rules. These overindulgences have a unifying theme: The adult's needs are met, not the child's, Dr. Clarke says.

A radical cleanout

At the Spraggins house in Dallas, each child knows how many Christmas presents to expect: three. Lisa Spraggins, 37, says the family's playroom had become so crowded the kids couldn't find their favorite toys. So they loaded six moving boxes and donated them to charity. The kids never shed a tear, she says. "It had become a very sad case of overconsuming and wanting to please our children in a very materialistic way."

Setting a limit of three gifts, not counting the stocking stuffers and presents from close family, helps the children understand "the holiday isn't about going crazy on Christmas morning opening up as many gifts as you can possibly stand," Mrs. Spraggins says.

Denise Turfitt, 35, of Dallas, says the family spends about $175 on each of her two children, but there's not a frenzy of unwrapping on Christmas Day. Gifts are opened one at a time. "They admire it. Read about it. The girls know they should stop after opening it and if the person who gave the present is there, give a hug and a kiss and say thanks," she says.

Like most kids, the Spraggins and Turfitt children ask for products they see advertised on TV, which they're allowed to watch on weekends. They are beginning to better understand commercials and marketing.

For instance, Bailey Spraggins, 7, has explained to his 5-year-old brother, Kirby, why they see Spider-Man on stuff at the grocery store: "They just put Spider-Man on the box to sell you the cereal."

Consumerism's price

Generosity motivates most parents to give, but advertisers create a powerful marketing tool when they advertise to children: the nag factor. Kids are exposed to thousands of commercials and marketing messages every year, says Juliet B. Schor of Newton, Mass., author of Born to Buy: The Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture (Scribner, $25). Kids get hammered with messages that they need a certain product in order to fit in, that parents are uncool, or that it's fun to "collect them all."

Kids respond by nagging to get what they want. Marketing studies show parents defer to kids' preferences, Ms. Schor says. Children are "the household members with the most passionate consumer desires, and are most closely tethered to products, brands and the latest trends. Children's social worlds are increasingly constructed around consuming, as brands and products have come to determine who is 'in' or 'out,' who is hot or not, who deserves to have friends, or social status."

Kids pay an emotional price for their consumer power. In a study for her book, Ms. Schor says she found that high consumer involvement is a significant cause of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.

The National Retail Federation, a trade association, projects $219.9 billion holiday sales this year, an increase of 4.5 percent over last year. Local parents are thinking about how to set limits on holiday buying in a culture focused on consuming.

Wish lists

Veronica Perez Howard, 42, of Plano, talks with her daughters about the difference between wanting something and needing it. When Helena, 7, and Ryley, 4, watch a TV commercial, they are encouraged to think about the difference between a sales message and other TV programming. "They do know about the American consumer culture, and I will keep reinforcing the message," Mrs. Howard says.

Encouraging the girls to keep a wish list helps keep the gimmies in check, she says. The Howards went "Christmas-list shopping" in July, for instance. In late October, the girls began finalizing the wish list to give to their grandparents and Santa. "I don't get any whining about what they want because they know it's on the list."

Children who learn to wait for what they want find that the object of their desire becomes even more alluring. Barbara Miller, 38, of Prosper, plans to spend about $50 each on her three children. "They understand they are not going to get several hundreds of dollars of gifts, like a few of their friends."

Her children end up getting several presents from family, so she tries to set limits. The family keeps Christmas focused on the birth of Jesus, not on gifts, Mrs. Miller says.

It's a joy to hear the squeal of delight when a child opens a gift that has been on the wish list for a long time, she says. "And it's more fun to buy it, knowing you're getting what will be a cherished toy, not something that will be in the back of a closet two weeks from now."

Cheryel McRoy, 57, of Duncanville, remembers feeling angry with toy manufacturers when her children were young and asks, "Do they ever consider how children feel when their parents can't afford to buy their products?" Companies seem more concerned about their bottom line than they are about children, she says. "It's hard to see your children's disappointment when they want something you can't afford. I can see how some parents go into debt to avoid that disappointment."

Now that Ms. McRoy is looking back on the years of raising children, she wonders if it was somehow "a good thing that we were poor and I couldn't give them everything they wanted." Her children learned that if they wanted something, they would have to work hard and get it for themselves, she says.

"Less really is more when it comes to buying for kids," she says. "What they want is not for you to work overtime to get money to buy them stuff. They want you to take off early and spend time with them, be with them."

PUTTING A LID ON HOLIDAY SPENDING

Wait until children are ready for things. "I bought my 10-year-old a watch when she was 6. She never used it, but now uses one all the time that she asked for, and received, last Christmas," says Barbara Miller of Prosper.

Make sure the gift isn't for you. One mom says she bought her son a pony and later realized she was the one who had always wanted a pony, not him.

Learn from how your kids treat their toys. "If they pay for it themselves, if they've earned it, they'll play with it," says Denise Turfitt of Dallas.

Have children keep a wish list. Carry a notebook to stores and help kids fill out online wish lists.

Make a gift of your time. Give activity coupons. Ideas for things to do together include making a bird feeder or attending a free concert. "We should be teaching children that gifts are not only material things that are wrapped in tissue," says parenting educator Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D.

Set limits and stick to them. If you plan to scale back this season, explain why you are doing it.

Create rituals for opening presents to help children slow down and appreciate each gift's significance, says Dr. Clarke.

Learn more at www.overindulgence.info.
E-mail msheridan@dallasnews.com

I agree with all that's been said. Great article.

I would just explain that Santa cannot fit an entire list for each child on the sleigh.

When my daughter says "I want blah blah" I say "add it to your list dear and maybe you will get that for your birthday". This list doesn't actually exist anywhere (maybe in my head, but most goes in one ear and out the other since kids are fickle). I tell her "be sure that what you ask for is what you REALLY will play with and the thing you want the MOST" . But kids have to learn consequences of their choices too. They will make some bad ones. lol Lauren is not brand specific (most at this age are not). A mermaid barbie means any mermaid doll (that can mean off - brand from Big lots or the dollar store).

I loved the santa thing, I think I was about 8 or 9 when I figured it out.

santa has to bring a gift to every child in the world. 1 gift, and he fills the stockings with fun little treats. we take credit for anything else. my son was asking for a hundred+ dollar remote control battery hog truck, and when i told him santa had to bring gifts to every child in the world and may not be able to swing something like that he said "well you could get it for me."

now my son is somewhat of an oddball, i think, but he really understands when i tell him that certain toys are really financial traps or break easily or never work well at all. today he was saying he wants to grow up and make all toys out of metal so they'll never break, so we were talking about one of my favorite topics - planned obsolescence. plastics are wonderful because things can be cranked out in a hurry and dirt cheap, and more importantly, they break. so jimmy's mother will have to buy another toy for jimmy's little brother. anyway, i may be on one of my tangents, but we talk about things like this a lot. landfill usage. chemicals and ground water. thinking critically about advertising. there's a lot of crap out there, and i think it's one of the most difficult jobs as a parent these days to explain to young children that not only do they not need all of that crap, but it's bad for them in the long run - and it is.

santa brought my big kids bikes this year, because they will use them a lot and my husband was able to pay cash by working a day of overtime. stella is getting a sit & spin, but i'm irritated that i could only find the ones that use batteries and make noise. their family gifts are a ballet barre, position floor mat and video lesson for nora. stella is getting a stuffed horse that she can wear and "ride". gordon is getting magnetix and battleship (the game - not the electronic one). under threats of not letting them in my house, my mother has sworn she will respect our wishes and not go crazy this year. one toy and one outfit per child is more than enough. and when the package arrives from buffalo, i'm going through it before anyone else - including my husband - sees it.

i'm on another post completely at this point lol. i agree, don't let on about santa for financial reasons. instead why not talk to her about what's going on in iraq and the sudan. there is information out there online or in the library. there are very few people in this country who have genuinely experienced hunger or have had to wash pepper spray out of a child's eyes with sewage water. it's easy to forget how lucky we are, and it's important to help our kids to remember that.

ps - here's one of my favorite groups and websites: http://adbusters.org/home/

there is good stuff in here, plenty you can discuss with a 6-year-old child.

Thanks for the references on your resources Christine. I've bookmarked it so I can look into that when I get a chance.

I enjoy analytical conversations with Lauren. She wanted a My Little Pony toy last Christmas and after reading all the consumer complaints about frustrated kids and the junk toy, I decided no WAY was I dropping dough on that. So I explained to Lauren that there were problems with it and that it was breaking and upsetting other little girls and that I thought we should get something that wouldn't break. She took it in and then I heard he explaining it to grandma (I was so proud). We do have to prepare our little consumers to make wise choices. We've also discussed advertising as "magic". They make it look really cool but it's not all that great when you get home. Imagination is the BEST.

Nora and Lauren are getting the same thing Bella Dancerella......Lauren's big into ballet right now :)

And I agree, we need to open our childrens eyes to how lucky we are as a country. These are all on going lessons we should take advantage of when they present themselves. That's easy with Lauren she's a little reporter "why" "when" "who"

In our family we have toy exchanges once a year. Our kids fall in the middle of all their cousins, but we are NOT above handmedowns. Our family worked this out pretty good..MY SIL's kids are two years ahead of mine and my nieces kids are two years behind mine. And I like to visit Kid to Kid as well.

All in all I've found the basics LEgos, wooden puzzles, wooden blocks, wooden railroad, playdoh, musical instruments, lacing cards, bikes, scooters, wagons to be the best things. Oh and Little People too. :) Sorry, babbling again :)

I am stalling thinking about Santa at all. Charlotte is still too little to know what the heck is going on, so Santa isn't stopping by this year. She gets tons of stuff from family as it is. For that matter, there are still three birthday presents we haven't even opened yet. This is good info, though. I will have to keep it in mind as she gets bigger and starts figuring things out.

Thanks, for the link Maggie, this explains how I feel about the issue in a much more concise way than I could have done. My DH was the overindulged child, and now his Grandma is doing the same to ours. We were talking last night about how I want to scale back on Christmas for Cassi. Yet, he thinks he's a bad parent if he doesn't go overboard. I had to point out that he wasn't raised by his mom, and the only time she acted any semblance of a mom was during the holidays. I think ( I'm going Freud here) that going overboard, is what every parent does at the very least. He's such a great dad to Cassi every day, that there is no need to "make up" for anything. I am printing a copy for them to read tomorrow. Christine, I use adbusters for my freshman rhetoric classes. I should send you some of their analyses of the visual images. I love that site!

Courtnie turns 11 today and we just "officially" popped the Santa bubble this year. During our tight years, we have simply explained to her that someone has to pay Santa for all his hardwork too, and the more expensive the toy, the more you have to pay. Not very "visions of sugarplums" but it was a concept she seemed to understand.

You might just tell your daughter that Santa picks out the gift he feels is just right for her. Our girls ask for what they want, but know that if Santa thinks he has something they will enjoy more, then he'll bring that to them instead.

when my kids were asking why there are angel trees for poor kids when santa brings a gift to everyone, we told them that same thing. santa brings what he feels the child could use the most. if the child has no coat or blanket, sometimes he has to bring that instead of a toy. the angel tree and other toy drives are to make sure those kids get something fun, too.

i'd love it, michelle

when my kids were asking why there are angel trees for poor kids when santa brings a gift to everyone, we told them that same thing. santa brings what he feels the child could use the most. if the child has no coat or blanket, sometimes he has to bring that instead of a toy. the angel tree and other toy drives are to make sure those kids get something fun, too.

i'd love it, michelle
Here's that link. Sorry it's been awhile.

http://lingua.utdallas.edu:7000/31229
This is the online chat room/web space that we use for my classes.

When Alex was 5, he saw me working in the poorest parts of Dallas (at the time I worked in South Dallas, South Oak Cliff, Oak Cliff and Fair Park area). He actually went on some homevisits with me. He knew that I worked hard finding Christmas presents for those families who had nothing...the ones that would find a vacuum cleaner to be an incredible gift.
He asked me why Santa could bring him so much (his haul was always pretty modest since I was a single parent) and those families got nothing.
I told him the truth right then. I had always said that as soon as he questioned it, I would tell him. I told him that Santa was the spirit of Christmas and giving, but the presents were really bought by mom and dad.
I have never seen anyone so relieved in my life. The thought of a Santa that was in any way not fair, was very upsetting to him.
My younger three are very sheltered compared to Alex. They are just now really getting into the Santa thing. When they get to the point where they question it, I will not perpetuate the myth with them either.