A complete shock...

Last Friday, at 11:59 pm, my 25 year-old brother, Ryan, was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was RACING a CORVETTE, in excess of 100 mph, in the middle of the night, down a narrow, two-lane road. Somehow, he lost control on a curve and drove head-first into an embankment. He was killed instantly. My parents called me in the middle of the night, and at first, I couldn't get past the thought that it was all just a horrible nightmare. Afterwards, it became a whirlwind of funeral planning and chaos. Now that all the planning is over with, it has become so hard. It sounds horrible, but I'll forget that my brother is dead. Today, at brunch, I almost asked my mother if she'd heard from Ryan this weekend. And at a family dinner the other night, I counted him when trying to set the table.

My whole life, for as long as I can remember, anyway, I've been Ryan's big sister. And now he's gone and I don't know how to cope. I'm angry some days--pissed that he would do something so STUPID!! Other days I'm just sad. I also feel guilty--I should have invited him over more for dinner, I should have called him more. Just a couple of days before he died, I drove by his workplace and thought about stopping by to say Hi, but I drove on because I wanted Aiden to get his nap on time. Now I regret that decision--I wish I'd had the opportunity to hold him once more, to tell him I love him, to just talk to him and hear his voice. He was so young--it just doesn't seem like this can all be real.

The worst part is, I find myself pulling away from Aiden some days. There are some days when trying to pretend to be happy and act playful is just too much. I don't want him to feel like I'm rejecting him or blowing him off, but some days, it's just too much. Brad has been home with me all week to take up the slack, but Aiden knows that something is wrong--he's been super clingy and has been acting out, misbehaving to get my attention, etc. And now, Brad goes back to work tomorrow, and I just hope I can keep it all together for my son. Focusing on him is what gets me though all of this, but some days, just getting through the day seems overwhelming.

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain, I can't imagine what you must be going through as I also have a 25 year old brother and don't know what I would do if he were gone. Lean on your DH and know that he will be there for support through this tough time, we will all be here to listen, but if you feel it is all too much please go talk to a counselor...they are there to help. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

:hug
I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. I can never find words to comfort someone when they're grieving....but I think all of your emotions, the anger, sadness, etc. are very normal, even the feelings of wanting to pull away from Aidan.
I'm so sorry. :hug You'll be in my prayers.

I am so so sorry... :hug & :pray for your family during this difficult time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :pray

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug I know what it's like to lose a sibling at such a young age. I'm here if you need to talk. You and your family are in my prayers. :pray :hug

Wow. I have a younger sister, and just don't know what I'd do if this happened. I'm so sorry. I'll pray for peace in your heart. I'm just so very sorry. Please send up flares on DAM if you need something.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. :hug :grouphug :pray

I am so sorry for your loss.
I cannot imagine how painful that must be. :(

:hug

I am very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother :( :hug Know that we are all here if you need anything

I could never claim to understand your pain, but death, especially death due to something that could've been prevented, just plain sucks... Both my mom and close cousin committed suicide, so I definitely understand the anger, sadness and guilt, though maybe not in the same way.

And it's not bad to forget he's gone. You want him here. I often have dreams of my mom (and more recently my cousin) where they've "come back", and I'm able to hash things out with them.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. This is going to be rough on you and your family, and will be rough for some time. I won't sugarcoat it by saying that time heals. Things get better with time, but you still have your ups and downs. I just pray that you find peace and comfort in this trying time.

:hug

i'm so sorry :(

I am so sorry for your loss Angela. *HUGS*

:hug

I'm so sorry!! :(

You and your family are in my prayers. I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Angela. :( No one expects you to be the perfect Mom for Aiden right now, just do the best you can do under these terrible circumstances. You and your family are in my prayers.

I'm soooo sorry, I cannot imagine how you feel. I have a friend that went through the exact thing, her brother died the exact way and it has only been about a year. If you want her email, please let me know, it might help to talk with someone that knows how you feel

nicholle

:hug I am so sorry for your loss and I agree that a grief counselor might be a good idea.

:hug More hugs... I am so very sorry for your loss. You will definitely be all over the map on your emotions for a while to come, and that's perfectly OK. You also need to take care of YOU! Even more hugs to you...:hug

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty about the difficulty of trying to put on a happy face for Aiden. You need to grieve and allow yourself to be true to your feelings. Lean on your family and friends for support. Use this board to vent feelings or frustrations that you don't feel that you can vent elsewhere.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

:hug You are in my thoughts. ITA with what the others have said. You need to give yourself plenty of time to grieve.

I'm very sorry for your loss. :hug

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Im so very sorry for your loss. When I lost my father, I found that the only thing that kept me going was my son...from his waking me up every morning to his constant demands for food/activity, he kept me on track. The bad thing was that I didnt want to breakdown in front of him for fear that I might scare him, so I repressed a lot. Most of this would come out at night or on the drive to and from work. I just needed to cry alone sometimes. I hope that your family can enable you to have some time alone so you can too.:hug

im so sorry for your loss. i lost my baby brother 2 years ago in almost the exact scenario. He was 18. Driving with a friend too fast in a camaro. For the longest time i was so angry at him for doing something so stupid. Only time makes it better. Hang in there.

I too, am very sorry for your loss. I know no amount of words can help you right now. Give yourself some time and lean on your loved ones to help support you.

Oh Angela. I am so sorry. Like somebody else on here said, it just sucks. The English language is full of so many words and yet at times like this, there are just no words to describe the hurt and pain and anger and everything else you feel. I have not lost a sibling, but my fahter died rather suddenly a little over a year ago at 48. Hunter was 4 and Grace was 6 months. It was hard to take care of them at times, but they got me through it. I would have never ever gotten out of bed again if I didn't have them. My prayers are with you. I'm not sure where you live, but if there is anything I can do to help you out, please let me know. Feel freee to pm me.

Angela, I'm so sorry. I know I can't say anything here that will really help, but I hope your seeing so many people that are thinking of you today will give you some extra strength.

Hugs to you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Angela: I am so sorry for your loss...You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers:hug

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! (((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Wow. I am so so sorry. :(

Oh, Angela. I am so so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what a hard time you must be having trying to deal with all of this. We are all here for you if you need anything and I will be :pray for you and your famly. :hug

I am so deeply sorry to hear of your loss :hug If I lived closer I'd offer to watch him for you!!

:hug:hug:hug:hug I am so sorry for your loss!!:hug:hug:hug:hug

OMG, I'm so very sorry. I lost my husband at a VERY early age too and I know how painful this is. Sending many prayers your way. :hug

It makes me so sad to hear this. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. :hug My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts during this most difficult time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

:hug I'm so sorry!!!

:hug

I am so sorry! Sending wishes for strength and peace to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are stages to grieving and you have to go through them. Contact your church for comfort. The first year is difficult but you will survive. My mom's been gone almost 6 years and I still think of her in the present. Don't think your could've, should've thoughts, think of what you did and the good times. Hugs to you and yours.

:pray
I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

I am so sorry :( :hug

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have 3 siblings that I'm extremely close to and cannot imagine the pain you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words and support. I woke up this morning feeling kind of down, and when I read all of the words of encouragement, it did help.

Today has gone okay so far--Aiden is keeping me busy, which is good. I'm gonna drop him at hourly childcare for a couple of hours to get a little "alone" time--like some of you have mentioned from your own experience, I find myself really repressing alot of my feelings because I don't want to cry all the time in front of Aiden--he's way too young to understand--so I figure a little alone time would be good. I can just be sad and not worry about how my feelings will affect someone else.
Thanks, again, for the support.

:hug I am really so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have a younger sis who is 24 and a younger brother who is 20. My brother had an accident in June - hydroplaned going 70 - and walked away unscathed. But, my mom called before we knew how Sam was, and it was awful. Please let others help you through the loss also. My grandmother died of an aneurysm quite suddenly 3 years ago at the age of 72. We were very close to her so I understand not knowing how to go on with life without them. She had been there since the day I was born...learning to live without her as a part of it was rough. She never got to meet my sweet Nathan, her first great-grandchild. That was hard to deal with. I had her picture at the hospital with me when he was born. Let me know if you need anything; I am here to help.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry. I know you don't know me, but we live in the same town. If you need anything, please let me know.

Im soo sorry for your loss and I hope that your family heals well. *hugs*

Hugs!! I am so, so sorry for your loss. We are thinking and praying for you & your family.

I am so, so sorry. :hugs You and your family will be in our thoughts.

My heart aches for your loss. Reading your post takes me back to 4 years ago when my best friend (basically my sister) called me in the middle of the night to tell me that her husband was on his bike and had pretty much the same accident. He was also killed. She was 8 months pregnant with their first child. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but know that God's peace can sustain you. I :pray for your strength and the support of your family in your time of loss. Don't be afraid to cry....even if you think it's too much.

I am so sorry for the suffering that you and your family are experiencing. Try not to be hard on yourself. If you had been the one to pass away, your brother would be wishing that he had spent more time with you. I think everyone that loses a loved one experiences guilt. The guilt serves no purpose, it inhibits the healing and distorts the grief. Be kind to yourself, you can't change the past. I am sure that your brother knew that you love him.
I am very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry, Angela. Last December, I lost one of my closest friends in an auto accident. He had just turned 30. I remember going from wanting to avoid my kids to playing so intently with them as to keep myself extremely occupied and then needing lots of alone time too. That's all so normal. Just know that we are all here for you. I am just so very sorry you are having to go through this. You and your family are in my thoughts. :hug

I am so sorry, Angela. Take time for yourself and grieve for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. So sorry you are having to experience this. :(

I am so sorry! :hug

I am so sorry for your lost. :hug

:hug I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my brother in a car accident when he was 16, in '95, so I know a lot of what you are going through. There is a support group called Compassionate Friends that is for parents of children who have died, but they also have sibling groups, if you think that would be good for you, I always like to pass the info on. There website is http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ .

I can't even begin to express how soory I am that you have to go through this. I pray that you will find peace in the near future and that you may be comforted as you honor your brothers memory with your family.

Angela, I'm right around the corner from you. I don't remember your exact address, but if you pm me, I can come get Aiden or you can bring him over here for a bit on Friday.
Hugs, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.

Oh, I am so very sorry. That is just awful. I feel for you and pray for comfort and healing. I'm glad you can share your feelings here.
<hug>

Delilah
http://www.cherishbirth.com

:hug I am so sorry for your loss.

I've been thinking about you. This must be a very painful loss. I have no siblings, but I see how close my kids are. :hug :hug

It's been three years now this Oct since my uncles sudden death at 45 (I'm an only child and he was the closest to me like a sibling). It still hurts my heart quite often.

Your in my prayers :pray