To SAH or not to SAH...

So it's time to figure out what I'm going to do. Tony's salary can handle our monthly bills. But we have had some unexpected medical bills, we have some credit debt and we had to get some work done on the house. Because of all that our debt outside the monthly bills has piled up. Unfortunately, we won't be able to get it paid off before the baby comes without completely wiping out our savings. I wouldn't feel so bad about living without a savings if I were working, but I am scared to live on one income without that security net.

And then I am wondering if I can even be a good SAHM. I have had my own money since I was 15 years old. I don't know how I'll feel about not contributing financially anymore. I don't know how I'll feel about being in the house all day or not doing "grown-up stuff" anymore.

How did you come to the decision to SAH? Was it an easy choice for you (emotionally, financially) or did you struggle with it?

I'm not a SAHM, but just thought I'd give you my 2 cents. :)
We couldn't afford for me to stay home, and still can't. Too many bills and debt from student loans. It was VERY hard to leave Madison at first....but it did get easier. I still get jealous of the SAHM's, and I still want to stay at home, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'd like it! I love having time away from her...it makes me more patient with her when I am with her. If I were with her all day every day....whew, I'm not sure. I also like the fact that we don't have to stress about money so much. Now adding another is going to be a whole new ball park.

Just make the decision from your heart and do what's best for your family. Good luck in that decision....it's not easy! :(

i thought i would go right back to work after my daughter was born, but as soon as she was here i knew it wasn't an option. we make it work.

I planned on going back to work after Joseph...the office that I worked at had a child care facility that was in the building and about 20 steps from my desk. After two days (and for other reasons), I quit. I spent my entire maternity leave trying to figure out how I wouldn't have to go back to work.
I DO feel like I contribute and have no problem with the shared one income thing.
I know that if I were gone all day and not experiencing all of their ups and downs, I wouldn't feel like I knew them as well. I can tell a difference with Ken (he used to office at home). He used to be able to read the kids and know what they needed or when to stop pushing them. He can't do that anymore then HE gets upset with them when they get upset.
Taking it one step further, I cannot tell you the difference in Joseph since he has been home with me all day (after one semester of public kindergarten). He had a very flat affect, was unmotivated and, in retrospect, seemed depressed. He is VERY animated now and I LOVE watching the three of them work together to do things.

It was never really an option when I was pregnant with my first. We knew from the beginning that I would stay home and we would make the necessary sacrifices. Just do whatever feels right for you and your family. Also, join some local Mommy groups if you stay home and you will quickly have friends and be going out places.

Just to reiterate....I'm not bashing SAHM's. If I could, I would already be one. I'm just giving you the other side. :)

Everyone is different! Being a SAHM is not for everyone....whether it is financial or not. I am not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom. Summers kill me and I can't wait for school to start in the fall. I like being here with her, but I also like having my time where I can go to school or go work part time. I am like you and like to contribute financially, but I also agree with the other moms that as a SAHM you contribute in another areas. See if you can get a job at a MDO program where you work only two or three days a week and the baby can be there with you, but you are making money at the same time.

Hey, Giovanna!
I have done it all- SAHM, WAHM, and a little bit of WOHM. If I had it to do all over again, I would plan my finances to the best of my ability, as though I were NOT going to work after the baby comes... But I would not quit my job, as though I were going to continue to work... and then I would wait and see how it felt at the time, once maternity leave was over. I might even give it a try for a week or two... and see what works best.

There is NO one right answer that fits all. Leaving ALL your options open, praying about what is best for you, and for your baby and your family, and letting yourself be guided, is the best route, I think. When people ask your intentions, just say- I really don't know, we just have to wait and see what is best when we get to that point. Refuse to commit yourself to either option.

Personally, I needed to be the one with my babies until they were two+. I exclusively BF (and hate pumping, though I did it w/ 1&2 when necessary), and I went to the office one day a week and worked from home with both of them as babies. I was 100% SAHM with #3. I work p/t now, partially at home (legal transcription) and partially outside the home (doula and childbirth educator) but my kids are 3, 6 and 10 now.

There are lots of shades of gray, and lots of ways to make things work. Give yourself space and time to make the decision that works for your family, and don't pressure yourself to know and commit right now. Leave yourself open. You may find that you can't imagine handing your baby to someone else to care for, for ~9 hours a day... or you may find that you can't imagine not working... or something in between (like what I did, or something else). Money and solvency are not the end-all/be-all though. Do what is right for your family, including money but not exclusively based on money. At the end of the day, money is not what you base major life decisions on... otherwise we would only marry rich men, and/or rob banks, and/or become sports figures or topless dancers, which pay wayyyy better than most of our jobs, you know? It is a factor- but only ONE factor.

Delilah
http://www.cherishbirth.com

I am a SAHM, and yes, I miss working, doing adult things most of the day, and having some time to myself. However, it is worth it to be at home with my daughter and get to see her grow up, teach her what I want to teach her in life, and do all the things for her that need doing. I wasn't even necessarily planning on being a SAHM at first when we started trying to have her, but we had fertility issues and the way my job was, I knew I would not be able to handle it and the fertility treatments at the same time, so I quit (and found out during the 2 weeks of notice that I was already pregnant). I could have said, well, wait, I don't quit, since there was no need for fertility treatments, but I realized if I couldn't handle my stressful job with fertility treatments, then I wouldn't be able to handle it with a baby, either. I am so glad I made the decision to be a SAHM.

But, having said that, my husband and I have enough money saved up for us to go literally about a decade without either one of us working, so money wasn't a big issue. If I needed the money, I don't know what I would do, since I haven't been in that situation.

I did struggle with not feeling like I was making a contribution to the family or society for a while after I was just being a SAHM. I've gotten over that now, though, when I see how happy my daughter is and also how happy my husband is now that there seems to be more time to spend on fun things, we always seemed to be more stressed before, since we both worked long hours and things just always seemed to be behind. We stay more caught up now, which is so nice, plus I finally had time to get most of my life organized and de-cluttered and we are finally making headway into living how we've always dreamed of living (more simply, uncluttered, more in line with our life priorities). So, when I see that happening, I realize that in a lot of ways, this period of my life is kind of like college and it's enabling me to go on to new things later on down the road, it's a preparation for what comes next.

How did you come to the decision to SAH? Was it an easy choice for you (emotionally, financially) or did you struggle with it?
It was easy for us. This was one of the things we talked about before we were married. Either I would be a SAHM or dh would be a SAHD or even WAHD. But we both wanted one of us home with the kid(s).

The choice was easy for us for me to be the SAHM since dh made more than me & with nursing it was easier for me. Emotionally, it was not a struggle at all. Financially it was more difficult going from two to one incomes - we are still learning, but fortunate enough to no zero debt (other than 1 car payment & the house payment). And dhs job pays all the bills.

As for the savings - we saved $10,000 before having kids for emergencies. Then I couldnt get pregnant and IVF costs - yep $10,000! But it wasn't even a consideration to not have me go back to work just to rebuild savings.

No matter what you choose - good luck! Remember, you can always stay home for a bit and then go back to work OR go back right away & if you hate it decide to stay home.

Just to reiterate....I'm not bashing SAHM's. If I could, I would already be one. I'm just giving you the other side. :)

I want the other side as well, I would have posted this in a "neutral" forum if there were one.

I am concerned about losing the "structure" in my life if I become a SAHM. I know that things can never be truly structured once having a child, but reading the "Living in your PJs" thread has me worried :confused

I wasn't working when I got pregnant - I was in graduate school. I didn't go back until Ethan was 2.5 and it killed me but it got easier. After a year, I found out I was pregnant with Emma. I took a leave of absence and I'll go back when the youngest is 2 (since we're planning #3). Luckily, dh is gearing up to be able to semi-retire and just write books from home so that helps....and about the 'not financially contributing' aspect - I never felt bad about that because I know that someday when all the kids are in school I can work as much or as little as I want (that's one of the reasons why chiropractic is such a great career for women!) Plus, dh tells me practically every day how much he's glad that I stay home.
Everyone is different - but I can say that many women I know who planned on doing one thing felt really differently once the baby came!

I want the other side as well, I would have posted this in a "neutral" forum if there were one.

I am concerned about losing the "structure" in my life if I become a SAHM. I know that things can never be truly structured once having a child, but reading the "Living in your PJs" thread has me worried :confused
Okay good, I didn't want to butt in if you didn't want me to. :)

About the structure, that's one thing I don't like about staying home....when I'm home for a few days at a time, I feel like I get cabin fever so bad! As much as I gripe, I like the fact that I get up, get ready, go do something, etc. It's something I need. If I stayed home, I would have to have some sort of schedule in place. And if you did stay home, you WOULDN'T have to stay in your pj's. ;)

I want the other side as well, I would have posted this in a "neutral" forum if there were one.

I am concerned about losing the "structure" in my life if I become a SAHM. I know that things can never be truly structured once having a child, but reading the "Living in your PJs" thread has me worried :confused

Everyone is different. For the first three months of Rylie's life I was suffering from PPD really bad and didn't leave the house except for Dr's appt's but it got better. I now make the point to get up and get dress first thing in the morning, but there are days where you don't feel like it and that is okay! I also have some friends who constantly stay in there pj's all day, everday and that is okay with them....to each his/her own and you will find what works for you! My mom hated staying home with me (I was a brat) and loved working, but when my sister was born she ended up quitting her job and staying home with her (she is the oh-so-perfect one). Some kids are easier to stay at home with too!

I want the other side as well, I would have posted this in a "neutral" forum if there were one.

I am concerned about losing the "structure" in my life if I become a SAHM. I know that things can never be truly structured once having a child, but reading the "Living in your PJs" thread has me worried :confused

I think this really all depends on you. My life stayed structured after we had Phoenix, it did get a little unstructured during the pregnancy (remember how I was saying that I quit to be pregnant, well that was a really good thing, because I had mono which I'd had about a year earlier recur during most of my pregnancy, I was a tired wreck). Anyway, I got up when my husband did, got ready, drove him to work and picked him up from work. This helped me keep structure, and also gave him more time than he'd have otherwise with Phoenix (he'd ride in the backseat with her). I also took the time to better organize our house, and do all the things that needed doing. Our house is much more organized and efficient than before Phoenix came along. I can say for the most part I am LESS of a procrastinator than before Phoenix came along, although I definitely have to be flexible on plans I make. The biggest thing I have to work on is tearing myself away from the internet (guess I should start that right now :bag ).

I was a SAHM with Michael and Andrew until Andrew was 1. I went back to work at 3 months w/ James and Gavin. My dh is a WAHD and I came home at lunch every day for 40 minutes until 6 weeks ago(to nurse and see my babies).
I like working. I stay trendier/more intouch when I work. I also make over twice what my husband does, so we need the income.

I hardly ever stay in my pj's and if I do then it is because I am sick or overly tired. Otherwise, we have a schedule - we get up and I have my coffee and the girls eat breakfast and play for a bit while I eat. Then we get dressed for the day after that. I am actually busier now then I was when I was working - lol. I do plan on working part-time or PRN when both girls are in elementary as well. I remember before I met more SAHM's after I had Brittany - we would just load up and head to the park or the mall if I needed to get out. We generally have at least 2 to 3 playdates a week and as they get older there is more to involve them in.

I went back to work after I had Josh. When I had Jacob we decided that there was no way we could afford to put two kids in childcare and expect me to bring anything home. It has been really tight but we have made it. There have been times I really miss working for the adult interaction, but then I found mommy groups and that was a life saver. I would do what some have suggested and plan on going back to work (as far as your job is concerned) and see how it is. If you feel like you want to go back to work then you will be able to, but if you feel like staying home is what you want then you can too. We have had to cut all of the extra's out of our lives, but this has really been worth it. I missed so much with Josh and now I have been here to see everything with Jacob. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Now that he is going to be two this month I am looking to put him into a MDO program this fall so that he can be around other kids his age and I can have two days for me.

exclusively BF (and hate pumping, though I did it w/ 1&2 when necessary)

That's a big concern of mine. As a teacher, I can barely find time to go to the bathroom, let alone time to pump (though I seem to be pretty good at finding time to be on DAM ;) )

As for the savings - we saved $10,000 before having kids for emergencies. Then I couldnt get pregnant and IVF costs - yep $10,000! But it wasn't even a consideration to not have me go back to work just to rebuild savings.

That's our situation. We had a savings in place, then we ended up doing infertility treatments, DH had some medical expenses, the house needed some work, and I got pregnant. So, there went the savings. I don't necessarily want to go back just to rebuild our savings, but DH is feeling nervous.

About the structure, that's one thing I don't like about staying home....when I'm home for a few days at a time, I feel like I get cabin fever so bad! As much as I gripe, I like the fact that I get up, get ready, go do something, etc. It's something I need. If I stayed home, I would have to have some sort of schedule in place. And if you did stay home, you WOULDN'T have to stay in your pj's.

I can understand that. I think feeling like things are in order is just part of my nature as a teacher. I always look forward to summer vacation (like I am right now!) but by July I am ready to go back to work. Even on the weekends I like to be up and dressed, regardless of our plans for the day.

When JR and I got married we both knew it was important to us that one of us stay home with brendan. Due to JR's degree, it made more sense for him to work b/c the potential for income was so much greater for him than for me. We had to make sacrafices at first and things were really tight, but we made it work. I do go a little stir crazy sometimes, but now that brendan is getting a little older, we do play dates and he has a membership to MyGym plus we are starting freeswim in the next few weeks for him. I know, it sounds like ALL kid activities, but there are other moms there that need someone to talk to too.... you'd be suprised how many frazzled moms you can bond with at the trampoline.

I've known for a long as I can remember that I wanted to be a SAHM. I LOVE kids & worked in child care for many years before ds. I discussed it with dh before we got married & he agreed. We waited 4 years until we thought we could manage it financially. We gave up A LOT! We moved to a smaller place. The budget is much tighter. I drive a 10 yr old car with 150,000 miles on it. When it finally dies, we will be a one-car family.

It's been worth it for both of us & we wouldn't do it differently. You can do it , but do you want to do it? That's a decision you'll have to make for yourself. And you can always change your mind!

How did you come to the decision to SAH?
There was question of my daughters safety with her caregiver and after that I could no longer just rest easy that her needs were being met - By this time 15 months after her birth we had paid of debt and dh had a new job that had completely eliminated the need for me to work. We were going to start working on baby number 2.

I was happy being a working mom and that was shattered with one phone call.

There was an investigation and nothing was found (the place was licensed etc.. etc..). I still wonder if the mom that alleged wasn't "off kilter" BUT the seed had been planted in my mind and that is hard to get over.

I had wanted to try being a SAHM - dh was traveling like crazy and we lived 25 minutes from dallas - I spent 1 hr communting each day. It made life easier and Lauren got one on one care and I got to enjoy her awhile before Ian came along. :thumb

Was it an easy choice for you (emotionally, financially) or did you struggle with it?

I struggled with it and then when Lauren's safety was questioned....I quit working after one restless night.
I was afraid that
1. my dh might treat me differently (didn't happen)
2. I would loose my credibility/"power" (I do feel a little judged sometimes - I think that comes with either position SAHM or Working mom)
3. I would not have enough to do :lol
4. I would miss making my own money and my identity (I do sometimes, but for me now there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I only have 1.5 yrs at this Full-time 24/7 SAHM thing.....so I'm in the savoring it stage).
My plan is to get a part-time job in 2007 so I can have the best of both worlds. :thumb

It was difficult for me transitioning to being a sahm from working mom. I've learned to slow down, enjoy the little things, find happiness in not watching the clock as much. The first yr was hard for me, but I found friends, things to do, MDO so I could have a little break while dh traveled. This board helped me find friends too. :thumb

Big decision to make BUT remember you can always change your mind :thumb

We're a little different. :)
Before we had kids, I was a Stay-At-Home-Wife. I just didn't want to go to work outside the house. I truly enjoy every sense of "homemaking".

When my daughter was 3 mos old (my son was 3 years old) I wanted to remain a SAHM, but sometimes get OUT and do a little something for ME, and have some "fun money"... so I started PC.
I did shows like 2-3 times a month, if that, and it was perfect! I actually had money coming in and it didnt "feel" like work to me or my family. I loved having a few hundred dollars/month to get my nails done, or buy my hubby a present w/out taking money from the "Family" budget, you know?

Nowadays... I'm still a SAHM (my kids are 7 and 9 and in school all day), but I decided to pick up the pace with PC, and now I do 6-9 shows a month.
It works for us.
There simply wasn't anything else out there that allowed me to be home whenever my kids were home, and that didnt entail someone else making my schedule for me. This way, I make work when I want to, but my family doesn't suffer for it. Besides it's fun as heck. ;)

My suggestion, is to find what works for YOU and go for it. But don't forget about yourself.
Being a SAHM doesn't always mean "staying home"... for me it means that I am home when *I* want to be home. :)

I think that being a SAHM is what you make of it. I get up, get a shower, put on make up every day before DS wakes up. I stay current on news events and I stay connected to the adult world via internet and telephone. I actually worked at home before I ever got pg so it wasn't too big of an adjustment. I've work in and out of the home and always loved working from home.

I have a structure and schedule every day. I have lists of things that have to be done every day just as if I worked out side of the home.

I still do some work from home but not as much. As far as no longer bringing in money...don't forget that you are saving the family by not having to pay for child care. Your child is less likely to make as many trips to the doctor so you are saving that costs. You would completely lose your vacation from work with sick days with the little one. I say, if you can swing it, do it.

It takes much more dicipline to have a schedule being a SAHM but the pay off is so worth it.

It was never an option for us. If we were having kids I was staying home. lol Jeremy makes very little & in the past made even less... but we've never *had* $, so it doesn't feel like we downsized so much as don't live as 'up' as others... we are very minimal people, live in a small apt., Jeremy drives his Dad's 'boat' that he inherited, no cable, no highspeed internet, no cell phone... etc. We make whatever cuts it takes to allow me to stay home. We also don't have a savings, I don't have insurance & Cassidy didn't have insurance (well, she had Medicaid & then CHIP) until a few months ago... But it was/IS very important for me to stay home with her. & When things get tough, I remember how my mom stayed home with 5 of us & my step-dad dropped out of high-school in 9th grade & still was able to support us all. Surely, we can make it with 3 of us, just without 'luxuries' - that aren't really necessities to US. (Can't miss what you've never had, I guess. :))

Someday, when she (or they if I ever get pg. again ;)) is in school fulltime, I will go back to work. I'm the one with the degree & I do LOVE to work... just not as much as being home for Cassidy. Someday I'm sure we'll have a house and other 'things' but for now this is what works for US. I know it's not for everyone, but we wouldn't change a thing! :)

Oh & the living in pjs thing - I didn't read that thread, but I've got to agree, that's not everyone. Unless she's sick, there's not a day where we aren't out doing *something* - we've always kept very busy! :)

Good luck in your decision!

OK - I have to admit I just skimmed this.

But I want to say that the only time I've stayed in my pjs was when Leo was sick or more recently with morning sickness. We have something to do every day, it seems. Sometimes it's just errands, but we are very structured. I'm not out shopping for fun stuff - I'm getting essentials. You will get involved in mommy groups or church groups or whatever, and you will definitely have structure. Also, if you are a nap nazi like myself, that will force structure.

For example, I was up and dressed (& Leo) by 7:55 this morning. I voted, bought prenatal vitamins, etc. at Target, met my running group, played at the park, went to the grocery, came home, made lunch, and now we will both take a nap. Usually I do housework or homework during that time, but my pregnancy is requiring some downtime.

But, anyway, I just wanted to say that you will definitely have structure as a SAHM if you want it.

I just wouldn't miss a minute of this time. I can't ever get these precious years back. Even though sometimes I want to run away from home.

I can't imagine not getting up and taking a shower and being ready for the day. I have never spent the day in my pajamas in my LIFE, though, so it is just not in my nature.
The only time I have ever had cabin fever has been when the kids were sick and I was really stuck at home. Being a SAHM does not mean that we do not leave the house.
I love having their activities during the week, so that I don't have to spend evenings or weekends at ballet, gymnastics, karate or whatever else they might be doing. I actually avoid malls and anything else that I can hit during the week, just to avoid crowds.

I am the one that started the 'living in pj's thread' and I have to say that when I lived in the same town as my family and sister, I was up and had a million things to do/people to see. Feeling 'stranded' in TX with this awful heat is 80% of it, I think.

If you do like structure, being a SAHM definitely can be just that.

I think being a SAHM is definitely what you make of it. If you want structure, you'll find a way to incorporate that. With playdates and other scheduled activities, you can definitely keep yourself busy.

Personally, I like being able to stay in comfy clothes (I won't say pj's because it's not always pj's :lol). So, I keep a very relaxed schedule here. I like to be at home and Todd likes to be on the go, so being a SAHM works great for us. When I was working (before children), I'd want to lounge around on the weekends, and he was always wanting to go somewhere. Now, I can be at home some during the week, and on Saturday, I'm ready to get out and go places. Then on Monday, I can stay in and get things done around the house if I want. It keeps a good balance for us.

Everyone is different, but if you want to SAH, you can mold it to how you want your life to be. :)

Thank you so much for all your input (and by all means, keep it coming!)

I didn't mean to harp on the whole pajama thing... to be honest money is my biggest issue. We are really concerned about living without our safety net. Another factor is that I do enjoy the structure that comes with working (but that's part of my personality). But there is just so much to consider. I think for me the ideal would be finding a happy medium between working and staying home (whatever that is.)

I think for me the ideal would be finding a happy medium between working and staying home (whatever that is.)

What is your profession? Maybe you can do some work out of the house? Or maybe just work part time? I know it can be a tough decision, so best of luck to you and your family. :)

Giovanna could you sub for a year and see how that goes?

Giovanna could you sub for a year and see how that goes?

Good idea....

I always knew I wanted to "take a break" from work when I had children. I don't want to make "being mommy" my carrer, but I also don't want to miss out on these precious times. We took a LARGE dip in income (about 45%) when I quit working and while we only had our mortgage and 1 car payment in debt we only had about $400 in savings. I don't get my nails/toes done monthly like before, we drive older cars (13 and 6 yrs, but most friends have 2 cars that are less than 2 yrs old), our house isn't huge and certainly couldn't adorn the pages of a decorating magazine. When I see people with the "things" we would have if I was working I try to remember that we have our whole lives to accumulate "stuff" and go on vacations. I knew that I would stay home and find a new carrer to start when the kids (one not even a twinkle in the eye yet) went to school. However, I kind of fell into a photography business about 1.5 yrs ago and it has been a nice balance until recently.

As far as structure being a SAHM, that's all up to you. if your a structured person then I have no doubts you'll be a structured SAHM. I'm pretty laid back and always have been, but I'm still up and "presentable" by 8-ish. Sometimes more presentable than others, but if I need to head out at a moments notice I'm not in PJ's.

When I was a kid my mom stayed home with me and she was a teacher before that. She found some private tutoring place to work at part time where she could bring me along. I was around 4-5 probably and would just color or play with the toys they had there. Maybe you could find a part time job of some sort, either related to teaching or not, that could bring in a bit of money and give you a sense of structure and adult interaction.

I don't think there is a single solution that will work for everyone.

Shannon (texas1010) I teach 8th grade science.

I am pretty sure I don't want to sub. I have seen what subs go through, and I do not want to be in that situation :lol And I'd have to figure out what to do for childcare on the days that I sub.

I am seriously considering babysitting during the day, maybe just one other child. That way we can build our savings back up, which is a big concern of mine.

It was an easy decision for us. We decided to live in debt (when our first was born) for me to stay home with the kids because we didn't want anyone else taking care of them through those first years. We were POOR POOR POOR when our first was born and it did take a toll, but I'm so glad we did it. Good luck with your decision.

I think subbing would be incredibly difficult unless you had a grandparent or someone that could watch a baby at the drop of a hat. There is just no way of knowing when you will be called for that.
I would think that tutoring or something more regular would be more effective as far as a regular paycheck.

I think the answer is unique to all people and sometimes depends on the day of the week for me!

We knew before we had kids that I would probaly stay home and I was fine with that, but I won't say that the reality of that hasn't been harder than I thought. I love it about 75-80% of the time. I cannot imagine not being around him all the time and that makes the decision worthwhile.

I will say that there has been some growing pains for me--just being honest. I was in a profession (club/spa management) where long hours are a must and my hours conincided frequently with when others were not working--early AM, late nights, weekends and holidays. 65+hour weeks combined with dh working and traveling weekly would not have made for a good family situation(for us).

I definitely still have structure in my days like others have said and have recently done a better job about getting to more activities/playgroups. I really do miss working though just because of the challenges,interaction and using the YEARS of education I busted my fanny to get:) .

I totally understand the financial concern--I am a big believer in that emergency money. I think if you want to make it work and your dh can help then find something to bring in enough cashto start building your savings.

You could also consider going back for a year and re-evaluating your options at that time.

This is one of those grass is always greener situations. I think both SAHM and WOHM have different but equal challenges.

As someone else mentioned, your personal situation plays a role too. We left all ofour friends and family when we moved here for dh's job last August. IMO, it has made it a little harder and has contributed to stir-crazinesss for me:) .


Okay, sorry for writing a book. I don't think you can go wrong with either decision and as others have said it sounds like you can change your mind.

:) Good luck!

I subbed for awhile when I first started grad school full-time. I agree that it's not your best option. Around here you wouldn't have to worry about "off" days - they will call every day. My last day was the day a secretary informed me that I shouldn't have taken roll b/c only "real" teachers could do that. :rolleyes

You are smart to take into account that your job is not just like any FT job. I don't want to get flamed for that - I know everybody works hard. But teaching is a whole different animal, and you know the sacrifices it requires. Just on the pragmatic side - it's so hard when you teach to have a PLANNED day off, much less one where you didn't know until 2am the day of that you would need off. That's going to happen A LOT with a little one.

And I mean this in the nicest, most wonderful way...b/c I have been there...and you won't know what I'm talking about for the next few months...But you just have NO IDEA how your life is about to do a wonderful and horrifying 180.

Oh yeah - great idea guys - tutoring :duh! There are lots of Sylvans, Kumon, FastTrack places around here in my neighborhood.

My girlfriend worked full-time teaching the first year and it was hard. She went to part-time. It's a private Catholic school and I'm not sure how she has that set up , if she shares days with another teacher/mom.

next year she has decided not to work at all now that she has 2 adopted daughters. Just until they are going to school themselves.

Lots to think about. I agree that you just don't know until you hold your baby and get a taste of the sahm thing while on leave with your baby. Keep in mind though the Sahm gig just gets more fun IMO :bounce

For me the baby period was too slow for me and I WAS pretty homebound at that phase. Then I became more homebound around the terrible twos.

I love having KIDS now. Ian's past his dramas and Lauren is more help to me than anything. I love being able to do volunteer work and FUN stuff :thumb

You will be like the rest of us......figuring it out as you go along - what works for you and your new little family!

getting excited and nervous? Enjoy your belly time!!

I was going to suggest tutoring if you think that might be something you could do to help out money wise. Also by sister has a friend who watches kids durning the day, but only for teachers. That way she has a break when the kids are out of school but she does have extra income during the school year. That might be something to check into too.

I think teaching would be the perfect balance-or close to it. You have summers off and holidays-unless you tutor or do summer school, and school is out sometime in the 3:00 hour, although I know that doesn't mean your day ends there.
If you do go back to work, I think you're in a great profession with a good schedule that you'll feel like you're working and earning an income, but still getting to see your baby a lot too.

I worked with my 1st child and it was perfect. He was happy and thriving and I was too. With two we knew it would be cheaper for me to stay home. I had to find a small job though so that I could have my own money. You can maybe find something like teaching Mother's Day Out twice a week or daycare for a church. I do both and it gives me extra money, my kids are happy and they have structure (they need it) but I can check on them whenever I want. I also have a thriving photography business. You can have the best of both worlds if you are willing to cut some costs. It happens. ;)

One thing to keep in mind as far as finances is that you will have so much more time to take care of your fiannces! My husband calls it my "part-time job". Once you and baby get settled in, then you will be able make more meals at home, you can learn to coupon (if you want), you could cloth diaper (if you want), and of course breastfeeding :) All those things save you so much money on top of the lack of daycare costs.

I also can't stand to stay in my PJs :)

I always knew that I wanted to be part-time once we had kids. Full-time would have been too much but quitting completely would have been really hard too. For me, it isn't just for adult interaction. I would miss the actual work and figuring out problems that are so different than the ones at home.

I didn't want to send my children to a stranger for 9+ hours each day. We don't have family in the area to help out either.

Financially, my wages would have gone down significantly if I had gone back f/t or even p/t during the week. Factor in daycare, work clothes, gas, wear and tear on car, probably more $ eating out, etc. and it hardly seemed worth it to me.

The adjustment to mostly staying home was difficult for me. I knew a couple of sahm's before having Teddy but it was still a bit isolating at first for me. You're ahead of things by already being a part of a mom's group. ;) The monotony of the first few months was hard on me. At work, I do so many different things throughout the day and it varies each day. While home with a newborn, I felt like I was doing the same routine about 10 times a day (nursing, burping, changing diapers, putting down to rest). It got better once the baby started interacting more and I was getting more sleep!

My kids are now 4 and 2 and I'm really enjoying this stage. It's rare that we're home all day. We usually get out somewhere each day or we'd all go stir crazy. As the others said, if you decide to stay home then you can schedule as much or as little as you want.

Good luck with your decision!

i thought i would go right back to work after my daughter was born, but as soon as she was here i knew it wasn't an option. we make it work.

Yep, me too...I took a 3 month maternity leave...um...that was back in April of 1995...


I am such a weenie..I can't even leave mine in the nursery during church. I just take them with me and if they get rowdy, I sit outside the doors and listen...weenie weenie weenie:rolleyes

To tell the truth, I NEVER wanted to be a SAHM. I enjoyed my career, enjoyed my money and I enjoyed having two incomes in our household. In the past I would never have thought that our family could have survived on just my DH's income alone. Well....five years ago I delivered a beatiful little girl with a rare genetic syndrome, lung disease and heart problems.

They told us she would die within months, so I stayed home, took my maternity leave/vacation/sick days and waited. A few months moved into a few years and she is still with us (thanks to God.).

During this time, I had to leave my job (50% of the income). My husband had to find a job that kept him at home (20% cut in pay). We went bankrupt, downsized from a large 4 bedroom home into a 2 bedroom duplex (all 6 of us!) and had to take government assistance. I haven't had my hair/nails done in years. I no longer shop at the mall but at thrift stores and I clip coupons like crazy.

All in all, I do get angry with life at times and know how easier (financially) it would be for us but now that we have made this adjustment we are able to live within our means and have started a (GASP!) actual savings. It's not much at all but its a start AND I have the privledge to be with my beautiful daughters and if my 5 year old passes away one day soon, then I can say that I gave it my all for her.

It's not much at all but its a start AND I have the privledge to be with my beautiful daughters and if my 5 year old passes away one day soon, then I can say that I gave it my all for her.

It does put it all into perspective doesn't it?:hug My Mother in law put her career on hold to raise her children, and her daughter unexpectedly passed away at 7 years old. We never know how long we have with anyone, even our children.

To answer the OP. I always knew that I couldn't put my kids in the care of someone else full time. I just felt like I would miss way too much. On the days that my baby would be teething and fussy, I didn't feel like a daycare worker who has been there all day long, was going to have the same amount of patience that I would. We wanted either me or my husband to stay home with the kids. It made more sense for him to finish school first, because he was closer to being finished. That said, I am a full-time Mom, but I go to school part-time, and I do plan on having a career if my kids go to school. I think about my life's goals, and what I will wish that I had done at the end of my life. I personally really don't think that I'll wish that I had worked more, but I may wish that I had spent more time with my babies. For me, it's about balance. And what balances it out for us, is for me to have a few hours a week that I do things for myself, while still being the primary caregiver to my kids.

And then I am wondering if I can even be a good SAHM. I have had my own money since I was 15 years old. I don't know how I'll feel about not contributing financially anymore. I don't know how I'll feel about being in the house all day or not doing "grown-up stuff" anymore.

How did you come to the decision to SAH? Was it an easy choice for you (emotionally, financially) or did you struggle with it?

It's been a struggle for me. I have worked ever since I was able to, and had my own money for things. I also felt that I could not depend on anyone but myself. After I met dh, life started changing, and so I had to as well. It has been a very hard lesson for me to learn, to depend on someone..........and to find what my place is as one who is not earning money. I still struggle with these issues at times, but not like I used to. It's actually a relief to be able to depend on someone.
And we started out 20k or so in the hole combined (3 or 4 years ago), but now, Praise God!, we have most of our bills paid off and we are saving money.
Now, in between the chores, I can pursue the things I've wanted to for years (painting, artwork, and owning my own business). That of itself creates it's own challenges, to be self-disciplined for one, and that's not my strong suit. But I'm glad I now have the opportunity to be with my daughter and do these things as life allows, which I don't think I would have if I had never taken that leap of faith that I knew God was asking me to do.
----and I also rarely spend the day in my PJ's. I do a lot of dirty work and I don't like dirty jammies and a dirty bed! I may not be going out dressed, but I'm dressed for the work I'm doing!
----I also would have serious issues with leaving my girl!

I completely understand your concerns. I also battled this. I've worked since I was a teenager and always had my own cash. I went to college, got an accounting degree, excelled as an accounting professional for five years, worked on my Masters in Accounting with the intentions of becoming a CPA and I am now a SAHM. :confused

When I had dd, I worked as if I was coming back from maternity leave. And then, I moved out of the state (to TX) because of dh's job. When the baby came, I said I would wait until she was 6 mos and then I'd look for a job and go back. When she turned 6 mos., I got a phat job offer, took the job, put dd in daycare and worked it for 2 weeks. I couldn't do it. I missed my baby. I battled about it for 2 weeks and a couple of weeks before I started.

I went to pick her up one day and the daycare teacher said that she started to crawl today. :jaw2

Uh uh! :shake I wasn't missing stuff like that anymore.

My husband wasn't too enthusiastic about it. I'm usually a pretty compromising wife, but this was something that mama wasn't going to be happy about. I told him if he wanted to stay my husband, he'd better get over it and reminded him that it was "cheaper to keep her". He's fine now. I think he kind of likes it. We made it work.

That was my experience. You will have your own. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. It will come to you when your baby gets here. Just do what's in your heart.

For me, the choice was so easy. I quit my teaching job of 8 years and stayed home full time. I joined Mothers & More & got some great mommy time. I still am active with the group. I never have ANY regrets of not being there for Grayson for his first everything:throblove

The hard part was re-entering the work force. Our financial situation was extremely unstable & I had to go back to work. The only thing I have been trained in is education. Grayson was 2 1/2 and it wasn't an option for me to go back. I prayed very hard & while reading the newspaper one day-a part time PPCD position was open. PART TIME TEACHING!!! I nearly tinkled in my pants. This is my niche-ppcd! I applied & the job was mine.

I was able to have family watch Grayson while I worked and for 6 months he did have to go to a day care-which was a positive experience, but not one I ever wanted to do for him.

If you are concerned about working, this is my advice...blow your savings on your debt & get that paid off. Start stashing what you can & enjoy your baby. You can always sub if you need too. Districts are desperate for qualified subs! That way you can work when you want & need to & keep you foot in the door.

I work stay at home in a heartbeat if we were out of the finicial situation we are still in. The next baby I will be home for also.

Anyways, pray about it & go with what you heart tells you to do.

I too have done both. I stayed home the first year and worked for 2 years. It is not easy being a Mom that works outside of the home. It's not always easy being a stay at home mom. For me, I found the best of both worlds. I have built a successful home-based business in only 7 months and have now fully replaced my salary. Now I stay at home...because of my business I still have an hour or two of adult contact each day. It is truely the best balance for me. The first year that I stayed home, I felt lonely and struggled with feeling like I had given up my independence. I hated feeling like I had to ask for things. With working a traditional job, I found that I was made to feel guilty when my child was sick and I had to "ask" to be off to take her to doctor's appointments. A few times my request were denied and my husband had to take her without me. That didnt bother him but it bothered me that someone else was dictating my role as a Mom. That's when I took charge.

I just want other Mom's out there to know that there is not just EITHER work or STAY home. You can have both! Some of you may love what you do or some do not need the money necessarily like we did. I think we all have to keep striving to find the right situation and for those of you who are working and say that you want to be home...I know what you are going through! I am on the other side now and I am here to tell you ...there is a way out. If any of you are interested in hearing about what I do. PM me and I will share what I know. It might be worth looking in to.

I had planned on going back to work for a very short time after Lexi was born. I think it was going to be like 7 months or so. I was supposed to go back long enough to get our credit card paid off. Dh and I worked together and the day care we wanted her to go to had a waiting list. Once she was born and we both looked at her, going back was not an option. I have loved every minute of staying at home with my girls. I couldn't imagine having to go to work and missing out on their firsts and not being able to watch them grow.

It's not a very hard choice at all for us. Both my husband and I know that nobody can provide better care for our children than the two of us. That is why we chose each other. He believes no one else should raise his children, and I believe no one else needs to support us. If I thought for one minute that he was unstable or unable to keep a job, I wouldn't have married him. We have student loans too, but we are sending only what we need to. In ten or twenty years, it won't matter that we were behind on our student loans. What will matter is that at least one of us was able to watch our children and we didn't have to put their safety into a day care worker's hands. I'm not even a mother yet, and I can't imagine leaving my precious baby with someone else. We are used to going on a date every week so we might for only an hour or two, but not for a whole day.

That's just my opinion, and it's what we want for our children. I am still going to work from home in the mornings and late nights when my husband is home and that doesn't bring in much but it will be something.

You will work it out. We are a little scared to lose an income, but we don't want it any other way (we are stubborn too).

I want the other side as well, I would have posted this in a "neutral" forum if there were one.

I am concerned about losing the "structure" in my life if I become a SAHM. I know that things can never be truly structured once having a child, but reading the "Living in your PJs" thread has me worried :confused

Hi. Just wanted to give my opinion too. This is definitly a personal decision and everyone is different. I always wanted to stay home and was afraid I wouldn't be able too, so I added up the cost of daycare, work clothes, lunches, gas, etc, and it happened that we would be better off if I did stay home. All the money I would have made would have gone to daycare! But some people find it works out better to work. If you do decide to stay home, you can have some structure. The first few months will be rough, but babies love schedules. This is just what I do, but, I TRY to wake up early and get showered and dressed before my son wakes , drink my coffee and then when he wakes I am ready to face the day. Don't mean to go on and on, but just wanted you to know that if you do stay home, you aren't necessarily sentencing yourself to a life in pj's. LOL. Congratulations on your arrival!!

Oh, and I just read your post about babysitting to help out. Something else you can do is clean houses or do domestic chores and only for people that will let you bring your child with you. I don't know how hard it would be to bring a baby along because I don't have one yet, but it's an idea.

People that work out of the home aren't having others raise their kids though, they are still raising their kids.

If I put all the food in the pot, and plan how long it simmers for and then ask someone to stir it and watch it for an hour while I run to the store, and took back over when I came home... I was still teh chef who made the food.

I'm a SAH mom, but when my daughter starts school this fall I don't feel like someone else is raising her. It is still me :) Just a thought, as that expression could really hurt a wohm's feelings.

I didn't mean it like that. School-age children are different than babies because babies grow faster and require more attention. I meant my husband chose me because he wants me to be the caregiver and I think most men are like that. No offense or anything it's just that I have no doubt that I am capable of it because he thinks I am.

Before we moved to Dallas, I worked in the real estate industry for 8 years. My husbad and I owned a printing/graphics business for 3 years. When I was pregnant with Lucas last year I started wondering how I was going to be a good mom and a good business woman.

We decided to get rid of the business because that was using most of our time. We were constantly attending and participating in parties. Rubbing elbows with new and old faces to generate more business. I loved the business but the family I wanted did not fit into this life.

As things worked out, my husband got a job in Dallas still staying in the business but for someone else.

After having Lucas I did not want to go back to work. I wanted to see him grow and change. I keep myself busy with playdates, volunteer work, moms night out, etc. I get up knowing I have something to do - take care of my little boy. It has been the most challenging and rewarding job I have ever had. There are some days I wish I had a day by myself but I don't remember when I had one when I worked.

People that work out of the home aren't having others raise their kids though, they are still raising their kids.

If I put all the food in the pot, and plan how long it simmers for and then ask someone to stir it and watch it for an hour while I run to the store, and took back over when I came home... I was still teh chef who made the food. That's a nice analogy, but I think that applies only in some situations.

If I were to have a full-time job, plus commute time (we're talking 45-50 hours a week), then I feel that someone else would most definitely be raising my children. Someone else would have them 8-10 hours a day, not 1 hour. That is most of their awake time during the week....which would certainly be more time than I would have a week with them.

You know though, all analogies are flawed, there is no analogy that fits 100%. Really, it was just my passing thoughts and my felings on the subject. You are free to disagree or do with them what you wish, you know? Obviously I can only speak from my own feelings and perspectives.
Absolutely. And to go back to the OP....I think a lot of it just depends on your parenting "philosophy" (for lack of a better word). We all have our beliefs about what babies and children need. I personally believe that my babies need me, or their Daddy to hold them, feed them, change them, and all that other mundane stuff--especially while they are tiny. I don't think that babies come out needing socialization and all that jazz--that comes later. They need to be nursed, held, cuddled, rocked, and loved on as much as possible. From my experience, that is hard to find in a daycare setting. I dropped my children off at a daycare one time--when Andrew was 8weeks old and I needed to register for my classes, and I couldn't stand outside in 100 degree heat for several hours with them. Andrew was immediately put in a crib when I dropped him off (amid screaming babies), and he was being nurtured by a swing when I came to pick him up. The facility was clean and met all the standards for daycares--the workers seemed nice enough, and competent in their abilities to care for the basic needs of babies....but it just wasn't enough.

It's about your priorities---and I don't mean that in a snarky "my way is best" sense. I think you need to decide what your goals are--how much time is acceptable for you to be away from your baby. You have to decide what you think that your baby needs, and how your family will fulfill those needs--whatever that may be.

Giovanna-I understand what you and your DH are going through right now. It is scary to lose that $$ when you are used to having it.

I briefly skimmed the replies, but you said no subbing. What about tutoring in your home in the afternoons after school? I know tutors can make pretty good $$ and I am sure that there is a demand for them.

I hope you and your DH come to a decision on whether being a SAHM is feasible for you quickly, so you can put the issue to rest and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

The cool thing about being a stay at home mom is the flexibility. i f you are an organized person it can be like a job. I get up at the same time everyday and shower and dress as if I am leaving the house--we have lots of activities so we are usually on a schedule--but if the kids are sick or tired--no big deal! We can work around it without too much stress-basically if you are worried about living in your pj's then just get dressed every morning--it is really that simple. Dh and I tried for a long time to have kids so there was no way I could send them to daycare even though I loved my job. Debt will probably always be there--like it is for most of us--whether or not you work outside the home or not. Your kids will only be little once. Besides if it is really not for you then you can always go back to work. Good Luck!