Dealing with Death & Little Ones

I guess this goes here.

Shaun & I are at a loss of how do deal with Faith in regards to the whole Sebastian issue. She knows all about him, his name, that he was born, etc, since we weren't aware of the problems before birth.

Now, she wants to know why she can't see him (we told her he is sick and that the doctors will only let grown-ups in because kids can be sick more often and we don't want him to get worse).

And in the long run, what are we supposed to tell her when he does pass away? She doesn't forget anything, so hoping not to mention it and she won't either isn't going to happen.

I'm sorry... I don't know the situation. But I'm so sorry....

I don't really know what you should tell Faith. I suspect that she's a very smart little girl. I think I would probably tell her the truth. Tell her that he died/passed away (whichever she will understand) and that when he was born he was very sick, he heart/lungs/etc. didn't work right.

I'm so sorry...

My parents had to tell my niece and nephew about their cousin. Marques and Mahkaela were staying with my parents while my sister was in Korea. They got really use to seeing Kaliah (my other niece) and they spend a lot of time with her since she lived in SA with her mom. Marques was older and he understood more, but with Mahkaela it was a little harder. She was only a year older than Kaliah and while she understood so much more about things than most 4 year olds, I don't think she understood the whole death aspect. My mom told her that Kaliah went to heaven with her mom (they were in a car accident).

It's hard to have to tell them when someone, wheter it's a friend or relative, that they passed, especially when they're young like Faith. You'll have to be honest with her. You could tell her that Sebastain went to heaven. You'll find the right words if the need arises.

I think putting it as simply and as plainly as possible will suffice for her. I think I would say something that "sometimes when babies are born, they are not strong enough to live with us on our world. When that happens, they die (if she will understand that, mine don't really know "death" yet, if she doesn't know death you may have to break it down to something like, "he is with God now and we won't see him anymore").
Be sure to reassure her that her and Ben are fine and nothing is going to happen to them.
I would avoid things like "going to sleep and not waking up" as a comparison to death because it might cause her to be scared to go to sleep.
This is such a difficult thing, Shannon. I am so sorry that you all are having to go through this.

I've had to deal with this a few times with Danny. He sees Grandma and Grandpa (Dan's parents) and then he sees Gigi (my mom) He has asked many times where his other Grandpa is. Breaks my heart. I've sat down with him to discuss that Grandpa died and is in Heaven watching down over him and 'sees' him. I know he doesn't fully understand, but he does accept this answer.

I think you SHOULD talk to her about this. Faith is bright - she will understand what you are saying to a point and like you said, not mentioning it won't make it go away.

Oh Shannon- I feel for you guys on this one. My FIL passed away when Tristan was 2 and they were very close. He was in ICU for a month and they wouldn't let kids under 12 in, so Tristan didn't understand why he couldn't see Boo-Pa (that's what they called him) too.
I didn't let him attend the funeral, but we just explained that he decided to go live with God in Heaven.
There's not an easy answer to it IMO. You just say it simply and I let Tristan know that Daddy and I were very sad and would miss Boo-Pa, but he wasn't sick anymore.

I think everyone gave some great advice. Just be honest with her - you don't have to go into all the details, just enough for her to understand.

I'm so sorry that your family is having to go through this.

We just tell Charlie the truth. Andrea my cousin her step mom passed away last March and her daughter was 6 ( i think that is right ). And he knows that Sarah's mom is in heaven with God and everyone and that they are watching over us.

I agree with simple and straightforward.

Sebastian was not strong enough to live on his own, so he is now in heaven and we will not see him anymore. It is okay to be sad and you may see people cry when they miss him. It's not scary, just a little sad.

Then maybe lighten up the mood with we are so happy that we are all together even if we are sad about Sebastian.

I think for kids the hardest part is seeing everyone sad.

There are some books for children about death if you think that might help.

:hug She's such a smart girl. Kids can be so intuitive when something is wrong, so maybe even let her initiate the conversations.

Lauren was 3 the first time she experienced death with our cat and later 4 when Paw Paw passed and 5 when Uncle Mickey passed.

The Maria Schriver book about heaven has pretty pictures. It's a bit wordy for under 6, but maybe you could read it first and then simplify it alot using pictures and explaining the photos the way your would like. The watercolor illustrations are very peaceful.

Honesty is usually the best way to go but always put nicely!.. When MIL passed away, who was quite close with the kids, we sat the girls down and asked them if they have noticed Mommy and Daddy a bit more sad lately.. and of course they said yes.. So then we told them that well, your Ammi(what they called her) passed away and is with God now. I think it hit my 3yr old the hardest (she was 2 at time though) but they are understanding that we cannot see her again here. My 3yr old is always talking about her Ammi and that she WILL come back. She gets angry at people who ask her about Ammi and she has cried as well at odd times, missing her.

It can be hard to explain a loss.. The older ones usually handle it a bit better, but then again it also depends on how close they really are. When it comes to a baby, I like how Teri put it, that is the way to explain it.

Hope that helps.. Everyone gave some wonderful advice.

Shannon, I am so sorry for your loss. I was going to suggest the book by Maria Schriver, too. Does your church have a counselor that may have suggestions? My prayers are with you all.

I thought he was still hanging in there and improving? Did things change?

No, he is still at the hospital. He's had several surgeries including a feeding tube & a trach, so there is a small chance they will be able to bring him home.

Which, of course, will open up a whole new realm of questions with Faith.

She may have a lot of questions about it, but I am sure it will be fine for her. Alex was younger than Faith when I started working with ECI and he frequently saw "my kids"...many of whom were on feeding tubes (both ng and g), had trachs and other assorted equipment.
Have you kept her up to date on him? Does she know when he has surgeries and is getting something new?

Not really. We haven't really told her anything because she stopped asking. She knows he is really sick and in the hospital, but that's about it. Since we didn't have any definitive answers, we decided to wait till we knew more.

If she is not asking, then I definitely wouldn't volunteer it then.

I'm sorry to hear he's not improving

hugs to your entire family

were you able to find a photographer to take some keepsake photos for his family? www.acpcg.com has a list of participating photographers that can help while he's in NICU, and www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com is an organization that would help if he does pass

HUGS :(

Jen