How do you deal with the disapointment?

..of not getting BFPs? while everyone around you is?

On new years dh and I found out my SIL who was NOT trying is preg. We got the call today that while at the OB the heartbeat sounded strange..so the did a vaginal sono right then. She is having twins. Two babies, two sacks..... while I am outwardly happy for her... inside I am really not... How do you deal with the why not me type feelings? :cry

:hug
I don't have any advice, just a hug.

My little sister (married 12 yrs) tried to conceive through IVF forever before it happened. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was tell her I was pg...not trying & not married. I felt so guilty.

It also destroyed a wonderful relationship with my oldest friend.

If it helps, I think I would feel just as you do.

It is very hard to not feel that way. I have my two friends who are still preg. while I miscarried, and I am truely happy for them, but sad at the same time. I also have another "friend" who IMO should NOT be preg. due to a lot of reasons, but is and I am not.... so that was really a hard week. And, I keep meeting more and more women who are due in March like I was, so I am reminded all the time....

It does go away to a degree, but for me - not 100%. I just keep hoping each month I get a :test and then I can stop feeling sorry for myself!

A quick history on me: found out that I only had one good tube so knew that we were in for a battle TTC. Got pregnant but ended up having an ectopic rupture that nearly killed me. Doctor tried to repair the bad tube but no luck. I spent night after night crying myself to sleep. I did NOT want to be the world's greatest aunt! I couldn't even look at pregnant women and felt so cheated by God. My SIL had a hard time making the call to tell us she was pregnant with her second. Even DH said "why do they get two and we can't have any?!?!" Bless his heart, he was so supportive through all of this. He tried convincing me that we would just have different memories of our lives, a life without children and that he loved me all the same. I always thought it was easy for him to say since he had already had two girls of his own from a previous marriage.

I joined an infertility support group and it was so nice to be among others who were going through the same thing. It was a mind, body, spirit type and was very helpful in dealing with and sorting through all the feelings.

I quit my corporate office job and took a job at a daycare. I met a little boy who had been placed with his uncle, then found out later that the mother was pregnant again and wanted to do adoption. I gave him my phone number to pass along and the rest is history .... I cut the cord of our sweet son Riley about six weeks after I gave out my phone number!

Dealing with infertility is something I never ever imagined I would experience. I had the common dream of growing up, getting married and having children. Who would have guessed it would be so hard?!?! My thoughts are with you!

:topic Cyndie, your story always brings tears to my eyes.

:topic Cyndie, your story always brings tears to my eyes.
Me too! :cry

This is one of God's mysteries that I will NEVER understand! Just like the Clay Walker song...
An' how can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years an' never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

Infertility just breaks my heart. I have a step-sister who has had ***5*** babies with 4 different guys, obviously out of wedlock (the first one adopted, the second one my parents are raising, and the last three she kept - mother of the year let me tell you...). And then I know several loving couples who can't. Just doesn't make sense.



I don't know what all you're going through as I've never dealt with this but I just wanted to offer my support and hugs!!! :hug

A quick history on me: found out that I only had one good tube so knew that we were in for a battle TTC. Got pregnant but ended up having an ectopic rupture that nearly killed me. Doctor tried to repair the bad tube but no luck. I spent night after night crying myself to sleep. I did NOT want to be the world's greatest aunt! I couldn't even look at pregnant women and felt so cheated by God. My SIL had a hard time making the call to tell us she was pregnant with her second. Even DH said "why do they get two and we can't have any?!?!" Bless his heart, he was so supportive through all of this. He tried convincing me that we would just have different memories of our lives, a life without children and that he loved me all the same. I always thought it was easy for him to say since he had already had two girls of his own from a previous marriage.

I joined an infertility support group and it was so nice to be among others who were going through the same thing. It was a mind, body, spirit type and was very helpful in dealing with and sorting through all the feelings.

I quit my corporate office job and took a job at a daycare. I met a little boy who had been placed with his uncle, then found out later that the mother was pregnant again and wanted to do adoption. I gave him my phone number to pass along and the rest is history .... I cut the cord of our sweet son Riley about six weeks after I gave out my phone number!

Dealing with infertility is something I never ever imagined I would experience. I had the common dream of growing up, getting married and having children. Who would have guessed it would be so hard?!?! My thoughts are with you!

I have had two ectopics, and the last one they removed my one tube. Thought I would have a hard time also getting pregnant. Then I had 3 miscarriages, but one beautiful boy in between- I still am hoping! :)

:topic Cyndie, your story always brings tears to my eyes.

:yeah :hug

Having been TTC#2 since Nov. 03 (trying for a Sept. 04 baby), I have been here too. When we started TTC, a few other friends started as well, FOUR had babies between Aug.-Oct. 04. One friend of mine, started TTC JUST because of how *cute* Cassidy was at THAT time, her baby is 15mo. now. Another friend is due in July with the 2nd since we started... it's been hard! BUT, I've tried really hard to not let them get me down, because their being able to conceive is not about ME and I have truly been happy for every one of them & LOVE all the little *toddlers!?* :) now!

ETA: *Deleted*

But then when I get sad, I think of my MIL (who's been gone since Jan. 01) she had 13 miscarriages before miraculously conceiving & giving birth to Jeremy (he has two adopted older siblings as well) & I also think of Cyndie, who is a rock! & Then I decided that I can continue to be unhappy or I can be grateful for the little girl that I do have and if it means only ever giving her all of our love & time, then so be it! :love

Sorry, I rambled so much - Good luck to you! :hug

I don't always deal very well. There are somedays when I am at work that if I hear "How many children do you have" or "when are you going to have your own baby" one more time I swear I will scream. Plus it is always sucky to take care of unwed teenagers having babies, who don't really have a clue much less the needed support system to take care of a newborn. Yes, I allow myself to have a little pity party when AF shows, but then I have to put on my big girl panties and get on with life.
I have had 2 SILs get PG and have kids while we wait for #1. I have a hard time being happy when people tell me they are PG, esp when it is followed by well, this is what we did and it worked the first time blah blah blah. Yeah, been there done that and bought the t-shirt.
So, how do I deal...I look at all the ways DH and I are blessed...we have a gorgeous home filled with lots of beautiful things, I have an incredible DH who adores me, we get to take fabulous vacations, we just bought a 4 week timeshare in St. Thomas, we can sleep till 3pm if we want to (did that today!), we can go out to dinner or do whatever whenever we want and not have to worry about babysitters and that's just some of them.
I have faith that one day we will be parents and have children of our own to love and hold and parent together, but for now I try to enjoy and love what we do have together. KWIM?

I don't always deal very well. There are somedays when I am at work that if I hear "How many children do you have" or "when are you going to have your own baby" one more time I swear I will scream. Plus it is always sucky to take care of unwed teenagers having babies, who don't really have a clue much less the needed support system to take care of a newborn. Yes, I allow myself to have a little pity party when AF shows, but then I have to put on my big girl panties and get on with life.
I have had 2 SILs get PG and have kids while we wait for #1. I have a hard time being happy when people tell me they are PG, esp when it is followed by well, this is what we did and it worked the first time blah blah blah. Yeah, been there done that and bought the t-shirt.
So, how do I deal...I look at all the ways DH and I are blessed...we have a gorgeous home filled with lots of beautiful things, I have an incredible DH who adores me, we get to take fabulous vacations, we just bought a 4 week timeshare in St. Thomas, we can sleep till 3pm if we want to (did that today!), we can go out to dinner or do whatever whenever we want and not have to worry about babysitters and that's just some of them.
I have faith that one day we will be parents and have children of our own to love and hold and parent together, but for now I try to enjoy and love what we do have together. KWIM?
Cara I just want to say I have a friend that was on Clomid for 6 months before they got a baby.. then she recently tried again and they got pregant right away with the Clomid so I really believe this drug works GL!

We had 6 yrs of TTC and I completely understand how you feel. It's made me feel like I was inadequate as a woman. That's what women are made to do- make babies- and it wasn't working for us the second time. To have Garrison we were EXTREMELY lucky, dtd at the right time of those 12 hours (or 24? I forget) in my 3rd month of no period (PCOS so that wasn't unusual for me). At that time I didn't know we were going to have trouble with #2.
I won't go into it all but just wanted to say that I made myself believe, and still believe to this day, that things happen for a reason when and if they are going to happen. If it happens then of course we'll be ecstatic, if not then I will be content with the one that we were so lucky to have :) That was hard to accept in the beginning but I just had to hold to it. We didn't want to do IVF because physically and emotionally I was a mess from doing 2 failed IUI's in the previous months and a few years before that getting IF workups done and wasting a couple of years with incompetent Gyns until we found our RE. After the IUI's we gave IVF one try only. If it didn't work then one child is what we'll have and be content with that. I remember putting Garrison to bed one of the nights after the transfer and praying so hard to please have one or both of these babies implant and stay with us so that Garrison could have a sibling. Something I wanted for him since he was 18 months old. I cried so hard I shook his bed. Thankfully he was asleep already.

Of course it's much different for you because you're ttc'ing for #1 but I'm sure the feelings are very similar.........

When you're not looking for something you never find it but when you are looking for something it's everywhere. Pregnant women everywhere. Babies everywhere. Friends getting pregnant. It's hard, I know. I don't know if there's anything that anyone can say to make that pain go away but just know that we're surrounding you with hugs, prayers and wishes for whatever is to happen to happen and that you'll be at peace either way.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_11_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYYYUS) Until then, I'm thinking about you and wishing you a little bundle to hold soon!


Oh, and I wanted to add that I'm JEALOUS of you for being able to go out whenever you want! LOL And St. Thomas??!!! WOW......








http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb063&pp=ZSYYYYYYYYUS (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb063_ZSYYYYYYYYUS)

So, how do I deal...I look at all the ways DH and I are blessed

This is the best advice I can think of, having btdt*. :hug I know it sounds a bit "Pollyanna"-ish, but it does help to try to focus on the good things you have. There was still disappointment for me but it became far less after I realized that I was so grateful for what I already had.

*It took us 8 years off bc before we conceived our first child. During that time I saw my BIL and his wife have 2 "accidents" and my best friend became pg after only 1 month of trying.

When you're not looking for something you never find it but when you are looking for something it's everywhere. Pregnant women everywhere. Babies everywhere. Friends getting pregnant. It's hard, I know.

So true!

When we first began TTC #2, each time I'd get AF, I'd get disappointed. On our 2nd cycle a friend of mine who wasn't even trying got pg accidentally only because she didn't renew her BC. The first few cycles were so hard for me to deal with because we got pg with Nora on BC...so why should it be so hard the 2nd time?

But the other night at a party, a lady asked me if Nora was my only one and if we would have more. I told her that we were trying, but this time it wasn't happening as easily as the first time and I told her about getting pg on BC. She then said that God must have really wanted us to have Nora at that time. Until that moment I hadn't really thought about it, but she's right. My mom was in the delivery room when Nora was born. Nora absolutely adores my mom. To the point of bringing me the phone all the time and saying, "memmie" and wanting me to call her on the phone so she can "talk." Nora is my mom's life line right now while she is fighting cancer! So yes, Nora was sent to us at a certain time for a very good reason!

Since realizing how blessed I am, I've had an easier time dealing with TTC. We have a friend who has one child and she's turning 40 this year and going through a horribly nasty divorce. She probably won't have anymore kids and she longs for another child. We have another friend who has had miscarriages and her husband just went through a year of chemo. He is having fertility issues and they are probably going to have to go through IVF with donor sperm. I think of Cara who has been trying for over 2 years. I think of so many other friends online and IRL who haven't been blessed yet (I say yet, because I believe they will be blessed somehow and someway!) And while I think of those who haven't been blessed yet, I thank God that I have my Nora.

So being thankful for what I already have gets me through the cycle that didn't happen. I can't be negative when I have too much positive. Because if I were negative and unhappy and disappointed each time, then that would be pretty selfish on my part!

Susie, I don't have any advice.. However, on Thanksgiving my brother announce they were expecting again and we were trying to have another around that time... I kept getting negatives and then I went to my doctor and she had confirmed the negatives as I was not getting my periods for some reason. Anyways, I had turned up to have an abonormal pap smear, which brought me lots of worry.... I felt hurt, ya know?... and I remember going into the kitchen, whilst everyone was having their pumpkin pie and crying.. I mean, yah, I was happy for my brother but on the same token, it is something I really wanted for myself... Hang in there, have patience!!!

:hug

Wow, I am so lucky to have y'all! I am sitting here in tears over the sweet and caring things that y'all have said. I am truly touched by each and every one of you and I feel so blessed to have y'all in my life. Thank you!

Susie-Sorry to hijack your thread. I don't think that I welcomed you to DAM...welcome and it is sure nice to have you here!

Ambhi-Are you doing okay after the abnormal pap?

I think Cara and I are the resident "Dallas Area Wannabe-Moms"

I have been TTC for a year now, and it is very hard to deal with. I have had friends alientate me because they have babies now and don't know how to "deal" with me since our infertility diagnosis. I am the only girl in my family over 20 who has not had a baby yet. We've been married over 4 years now, so everyone constantly asks us when we're going to have one. At least you have a child Susie, to help comfort you. I have taken clomid, had two artificial inseminations and I don't even know what a positive pregnancy test looks like.

I guess I'm not much help, I am feeling kind of down today. I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

:test :baby I have nothing to add, but I hope it happens for each of you very soon!(Cara~I send baby vibes every time I think of you. And I'll do the same for everyone else)

Giovanna-Huge hugs to you! I'm always here if you ever need anything. Yes, I agree...DAM Wannabe that's us! Hopefully, 2006 will bring us BFPs and our own babies to hug and love.

Giovanna & Cara, I think of you guys often! :hug

Hopefully, 2006 will bring us BFPs and our own babies to hug and love.

:yeah

Giovanna - Cara is already on my prayer list and now I will add you to it!

Occasionally I've wondered if secondary infertility isn't worse simply because we've had the 9 months of pg and L/D, and when you can't get pg the 2nd time around you feel like a failure and it hurts tremendously simply because you KNOW exactly what you are missing and you've done it.So why the heck can't you do it again. BUT then on the other hand, we do have that benefit of the child we already have.

It's hard all the way around! This has got to be a year of some BFPs on here! At least we have each other for support!

I think having J does make it easier for me... It seems like everywhere I look people who don't even want babies are having them...

Pre-Justin I use to teach at the Classical Center(Vial Elementary) on garland. My first year I had a mom who was 20...with a 5 year old!! Why is it so easy for a 14 year old and so hard for many of us? We have a 5 bedroom house and only one baby... we bought it in hopes for a big family.... all to say

I am feeling kind of down today. I just wanted to say that you are not alone

me too!

This has always been a question for me too. My cousin has been trying DESPERATELY to have another child for about 4 years now, with SEVERAL miscarriages. They want another baby soooo bad, and you wonder why they can't, and some other kid in highschool can? It's sad. I feel for all of you, and pray for some BFP's this year! HUGS to all of you.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I have been thinking the same thing too but just never wanted to put it out there and ask...so thanks for starting the thread. It really helped :hug